My May 9th, 16th, and 26th posts can be found

here.

I also have a new post in Stars on the Ceiling, my other blog.
It is entitled "Learning to See."

Moving Day

I'm moving my blog to the newer version in which you can make changes easily instead of messing with the template. My first post will be a repeat of the one I wrote on May 3. The name of my blog is Onwards (still).

Weight Watchers - Again

Just a quickie post for now. I rejoined WW on Thursday. As it turns out, there is a meeting within walking distance of my house. The group is small; eleven people besides the lecturer and clerk were there. The program has been slightly changed. I get fewer points at my current weight than I would have on the previous program, but some of my low-cal faves like uncooked carrots and a number of cooked root veges are now o point foods. I feel really good and optimistic about the group and my long range success.

Treading Water

Sometimes in these past couple of weeks I have felt so anchored in my own resolve that I absolutely KNEW that I'd never again get off course. Then a sleepless night drains my energy reserve and the anchor doesn't hold. I drift wherever the temptations take me. The good thing, the Absolutely Great Thing, is that this hasn't been turning into a full throttle torrent of maniacal binging. I've even managed to reverse course within a single day. My weight reflects this. I've had a small statistically insignificant weight loss which could be due to variations in the conditions of my weigh in and normal fluctuation.

One thing that has helped me is that I'm focusing on target dates for weigh-ins rather than looking towards a future date to once again begin again. All to often the dynamic of the "start over" has led to a raucous binge.

I've also started noting the ways that I've been helping myself to succeed. Eating breakfast at the dining table instead of the family room couch is one example. Taking my morning shower before breakfast is another. On Thursday, I was able to note the (approximately) five mile hike that I took with a friend. Today I'll put in some time on the elliptical just so that I can be able to record that I've done it. Otherwise, my tendency would be to avoid it "just for today" so that I could accomplish certain tasks.

Mama nature has mightily helped with some awesome Spring weather these week and half.
I've included some signs of spring photos in my other blog.

The Me photos above and below are Before pictures. Given that this extra large top and pair of pants fits me like a sausage casing, I think that I'll be able to wear these clothes even at my goal weight. They'll look a whole lot different on me then. And it will happen. I will make it happen.

I Think That I'm Back

Some day, but not now, I may write about the loss that I eluded to in my last post. As to Matt, his condition continues to challenge both of us. He is constantly dealing with pain of various sorts.

Despite this, I am beginning to have a sense that my personal Spring is just around the corner. I have gained a massive amount of weight. This morning's readout was 204.5 lbs., the highest I've ever been. Last night I dreamed that I was getting ready to return to a healthful eating program. In this dream, I was making diet chocolate pudding and didn't have enough milk for the recipe. I realized that I could use some of Matt's chocolate and regular fat level milk. I had a few bites from a sheet of chocolate brownies. I thought about the smaller waistline that I would have in a few months. I was ready to embark on a weight loss program and people noticing my weight loss was just a matter of time.

I've had a number of dreams in the past few weeks that suggest that I'm once again ready to succeed with this lifelong challenge. It was such a dream that heralded that long ago success when I went from 192 lbs. on 10-22-01 to 127 lbs. in April of 2003. I KNEW from the beginning that I would be successful then. Getting rid of the weight was easy for me because of this mental certainty.

It is now a few minutes past 5 p.m. I've accomplished very little today. I am going to spend 15 minutes on the Elliptical now. I had planned this to be only a quick check-in to let my on-line friends know that I was still alive. Having written this all, I think that I am back.

A Difficult Time

This has become a very difficult time in my life. For now, I won't be blogging or (most probably) reading the blogs of my on-line friends. Matt's condition remains a challenge for both of us.
Beyond that, someone about whom I once cared deeply has disappeared from my life. I am grieving this loss. I am finding the inner strength to move forward. Onwards now and forward.

Merry Christmas and Onwards

I haven't fallen off the planet and am not floating in a vat of fat slamming all kinds of gooey goodies down my throat. Like many of you, I'm busy with all kinds of pre-Christmas activities. Hopefully I'll finish with the Christmas cards today. I hope you all are doing well and wish you highly excellent Christmases (just in case I don't post until then). Onwards now to the Christmas cards.

Defeat For Now.

The title comes from one of Cactus Freek's blog labels. It unfortunately well describes the current state of my self discipline. There are some easy targets wherein I could put blame for my lack of fortitude. Matt's post-op situation following the first of his three spinal operations on Wednesday was more challenging than either of us expected. Now a new rib fracture is causing him constant pain. Matt, therefore, is responsible for my maladaptive behavior. Except that I know better. If I had been disciplined enough and smart enough to build a sufficient history of self discipline beforehand, it would have carried me through the stress of Matt's pre and post operation pains. "Smart enough" really does enter into this. When I choose to take the easiest path in giving into a slight temptation, I put my brain on hold. I lock it in a well insulated box which I put in another box and another box after that. And then I forget where I've hidden the boxes.

With Thanksgorging four days away, I don't see myself becoming self disciplined in the next few days. But why not!!! Even if I'm planning to allow myself to be self indulgent on T-giving, why do I have to compound the damages in the days before the holiday? Even with my brain still in storage, this makes no sense. Okay. There will be some pre-Thanksgiving temptations. Grocery store samples come to mind. But why can't I allow myself the samples without going calorie insane? Because I'm helpless against my own compulsivity; Once I've loosened the restraints, I am programmed to stuff myself to and beyond the point of pain. Even before these self destructive urges have hit me, I've given in to their power to overwhelm my better instincts. If this was war, and it is in a sense, I've declared defeat before even entering into battle.

What I've described as my thinking processes with regard to food makes no sense to me. A change is in order and with it a new approach. Yesterday (or the day before), I received my most recent order from Amazon.com:
Medicine Cards: The Discovery of Power Through the Ways of Animals by Jamie Sams, David Carson, and Angela C. Werne. I think that I will select a card tomorrow and use it as a guide to make better decisions about the food I eat. Perhaps the power of the animals, whether as an archetype, metaphor, or something else, will help me to regain my sanity.

Happy Thanksgorging everyone.

May the day be a good one for you whether you celebrate the holiday or not.

Just Checking In

I haven't fallen off the planet, but also haven't been motivated to write for a while. I've been gorging myself on novels, one after another. Currently I'm immersed in The Great Stink by Clare Clark (if I've got the name right). The next couple of months will be somewhat chaotic. Matt has four outpatient surgeries scheduled, three of which will require hotel stays in Berkeley. The (eating) holidays are soon approaching. Amidst the chaos and inevitable temptations, my health goal is to maintain my weight, 196 lbs. as of this morning. I hope to catch up with reading the blogs of my on-line friends in the next couple of days and, if not by then, at least by the end of next week-end. Onwards now to cuddle up in bed with The Great Stink, an excellent book which I heartally recommend. It is the author's first novel and I'm already looking forward to her next one.

Paint It Black (for now)

I'm going through a bit of a rough spot right now. My Fall depression has hit me with a whallop. Sometimes it's worse than others. Sometimes I've passed through Fall with little wear and tear. It started on Monday. Matt and I had seen Cold Case the night before. The story line began with a murder at a high school reunion. I found myself involuntarily thinking about high school on Monday. It was a painful period in my life and, at most levels, I've gotten way way passed it. But, it's November. Old hurts become magnified. And in November all previous hurts come to the surface. My failures. My lack of achievements. Never mind that most of the time I look at my life with a great deal of satisfaction about how things turned out. It's not even a thought thing, this Autumn depression of mine. Even with my mind free of all thoughts, I feel this sense of heaviness. Also a sense that vinegar runs through my blood. I've got to find the time to get on the elliptical and start pumping up those endorphins. When the depression hits me like this, all I want to do is crawl in a soft, warm cave (and eat cereal).