Taking That Damn First Step

The thing about walking is that it's easy for me to push it off while I'm getting other things done. Then it gets too late for a walk. Or, at least, I'm no longer motivated to take one. That pretty much describes yesterday. By late morning, I'd taken my shower and even replaced my comfy UGGs with Nikes in preparation for a walk. The weather was beautiful. Yet the minute I sat before the computer, electro-magnetic waves that I was helpless to resist shot out and held on to me for the entire day. I went from site to site under the spell of those pesky waves. Perseveration is what was happening with that. Once I start something, it is hard for me to break from it unless it really sucks and even then I might have difficulty.

The thing is, once I start walking, I enjoy the feel of fresh air and the nature smells in and around my neighborhood. This is especially true if I'm on one of the many wonderful trails in Annadel as I was today. I'm priviledged in that there are so many nice places to walk where I live. I would benefit from exercizing that priviledge more regularly. This was the commitment I made to myself on Thursday after a lovely walk around Spring Lake. I didn't walk on Friday, but my excuse was a good one. Heavy rain led me, unshowered and still in my nightgown, to the family room couch where I enjoyed a cozy morning, cuddled up in a fleece blanket, with the portable heater directly in front of me, reading an Ivan Doig book. I was totally content. I was also totally unprepared to take a walk once the rain stopped. When it started raining again, I felt vindicated. It was cloudy, maybe even rainy, on Saturday morning. While Matt drove to Stan's house in Sebastopol to go for a walk, I hunkered down on the family room couch. Once again, I was unprepared to take a walk when the rain stopped. This time I was not vindicated. It turned out to be a beautiful afternoon.

The weather is likely to be nice for the next several days and I think I can get myself in gear for morning walks. The challenge will come on the icky days. If I take that damn shower right after breakfast, I'll be ready for a change in the weather. The rain is likely to keep me inside, but I certainly can muster up the self-discipline to deal with the cold and the fog. Hell, I might even enjoy it once I get started.

There are people who inspire me when I think about getting self-disciplined with this: Dorothy, up the hill and in her 70's, walking just about every day; Rachael, exercizing her upper body when still confined to bed and in pain from a broken leg in April; Rachael again, now taking a walk every morning, leaving the house in the 6:45 a.m. darkness so that she could go for a major walk before starting the day last Monday; an old woman who I passed on my Thursday walk. She had a cane and was about half an hour from her car given her pace; women who walk and run around Spring Lake with their arms stretched forth as they pushed the baby carriages in front of them.

A note about food (yummy): I've been dealing with the food part of this process fairly well over the last month. Lately I've started skimping on my portions in relationship to the points I record for them. For example, I ate 45 instead of 60 grams of Fiber 1 this morning and counted this as two points. I think this is a good idea since I'm now allowing myself 24 or 25 points, the upper range of the 20 to 25 points I'm allowed at this weight according to the old Weight Watchers program.

Though it works best for me to focus on process rather than results, I'm excited by another milestone. I've passed from stretchies and baggies back to jeans. Today, for the first time in a long time, I wore my "fat" black jeans. And the scale said 173.5, just a half pound more than when I started going back to Weight Watcher meetings last January. Perhaps I'll return on a once a month basis once I drop back to 167. And finally, I've been "on program" for over a month. Tomorrow will begin the 5th week. I had to think a moment to remember which week it was. That, in itself, is a very good thing.

174

174 and not in the mood to write now.

Poached Eggs and Jeans

This morning I successfully met the challenge of going out to breakfast with Rachael, a challenge that I had considered avoiding. Instead I devised what I thought to be a workable stragegy. I'd order smartly and record no more than seven points regardless of what the actual total might be. Thus I'd avoid a shortage of points that could leave me feeling deprived, and therefore subject to binging, later in the day. As it turned out, my breakfast of two poached eggs and a dry English muffin came to six points. I'm thinking this is something I can easily do again.

I was wearing a pair of Rachael's jeans that I had rescued from the donation pile some time ago. This was the first time in a long time that I'd tried wearing them. After I'd had them on for awhile, they fit comfortably. I was even able to button the top button. It's good to already be reaping the rewards of self discipline.

My Baggy Jeans

I weigh 176 and fit into the baggiest of my "fat jeans." With the top button still in my button box from when it pulled off the last time or a time before that. With the fabric that usually covers a zipper stretched to the max. I've no plans to sew a button back on just yet nor do I yet have plans to repair the zipper. That will wait for awhile. These pants were once baggy. Once they were way to big for me to wear. That time will come again.

Grapes Can Be Apples

When Matt came home with Costco grapes yesterday, I was feeling sleepy. In fact, I had just awoke after nodding off while reading "How Thing's Work". The grapes tempted me. In my mind, I had already given into the temptation to consume them in a quantity that would push me over my points for the day. In my mind, I was debating whether to record these points. In my mind, I knew that my three and a half week record of self-discipline would be interrupted by the binge that would likely follow. In my mind, I had already acted to bring this all on. Somehow I was able to get past this. Instead, I ate red peppers. Instead, I took a small bunch of grapes, weighed and washed them, and put them in the refrigerator for later on.

Earlier in the day, I had mixed feelings about telling Matt that he could read this blog. (Hi Matt if you're reading this.) After I wrote yesterday's entry, I didn't care one way or the other. As I stood in the kitchen, having gone "off program" in my mind, I didn't want Matt to know that once again I was failing. I didn't want this failure to be the truth of my next blog entry. This helped me stay on track. So, whether you're reading this or not, thank you Matt.

A New Perspective on the Regain Pattern

I discovered something yesterday that I hadn't realized before. The 50+ pounds that I've regained were packed on in relatively short periods. At some point, I'll chart this. For now, I have only a rough idea of the pattern. By May 22, 2004, Ben and Wendy's wedding, I had already regained twenty pounds. An Arizona week-end with Burner acquaintances in April 2003 figured into this. In the four weeks including and after the wedding, I gained another ten pounds. Finally, during the three months that Matt and I did our RV trip last Fall, I added twenty pounds. I say "finally," but this is only true if I ignore the four to six weeks before I got back on track. I gained eight pounds in those weeks before September 27th. I'm out from under them now and weigh about what I weighed this time last year.

It's always been about maintaining self-discipline with food, but now I see two different dynamics to this. One is about relatively short periods of wildly out of control behavior. These episodes seem to erupt around events and during times when I'm out of my normal routine. Afterwards, in the long in-between periods, I've struggled to get back in control. I've already written about some of the dynamics of this in the post labeled "Planting In Eve's Garden" and elsewhere. A result of losing the stuggle is that I've maintained my episodic weight gains. A result of continuing the struggle, is that I've not added to them. Over the long haul. And not counting the weeks before September 27th.

Until September 27th, I hadn't completed a full week "on program" since getting "off program" in the first place. I always felt that completing that first week would be key and I aways caved into temptation by or before that magic 7th day. I now have three and a half weeks of being"on program" behind me. I've gotten rid of those last eight pounds. Shortly before writing this, I was tempted by Eve's apple. I told myself my usual lie, that I could have it without triggering a binge, then called myself a liar and moved on to writing this. I'm back on track, but I'm still vulnerable. I've got to continually use the lessons I've learned.

A Graphic - How Cool Is That!

My progress as of the morning of Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Camille Cabral, sex worker

For the past several days, the top photo of Yahoo's "Most Emailed Photos" has been this one with the caption: "Sex worker Camille Cabral, representing French prostitutes, poses next to a European Union flag after a press conference organised by the International Committee on the Rights of Sex Workers in Europe (ICRSE), at the European Parliament in Brussels, October 17, 2005." Camille Cabral looks like the most pathetic of creatures. Her face, with lipstick smeared over a wide, hideous smile, is grotesque. She's wearing a bra type thing that covers her nipples. Boobs that look fake bulge out above it. Above her right boob and inside a pinkish rectangle black letters proclaim, "Sluts Unite." She is reaching outward with a scrawny, reptilian arm. She looks ancient and badly used. How, I wondered, could such a wretched being find customers? Who would want her at any price? The photo fascinated me enough to do a Google search to see if I could find another. What I found astonished me.

Camille Cabral is not the out-of-touch bit of scum that the photo and caption suggested. In fact, she is a person of considerable substance. Perhaps I should (but won't) put "she" in quotes at this point because Camille, actually Dr. Camille Cabral, is transgendered. She is the National Coordinator for TAMPEP (Transnational AIDS/STD Prevention among Migrant Prostitutes in Europe Project). She is also the founder of PASTT (Prevention, Action, Santé, Travailleurs, Transgenres), an organization fighting for the rights of transsexuals and transvestites working in the sex industry. She was elected in 2001 as a conseillère municipale (municipal advisor) for the Green Party in the 17th district of Paris. In the following year, she was the party's candidate in the legislative elections. In November 2004, she spoke at Concordia University in Montreal as part of its ongoing community lecture series on HIV/AIDS as it relates to the sex industry. The announcement of this lecture described her as a frontline intervention worker. In the one photo I found of her besides the original one, she is addressing an audience. She looks respectable.

Why has this generated so much energy from me? I'm angered by the mis-portrayal of her on a world-wide scale. I'm into my own issue at this point. I have no idea how Dr. Cabral thinks about the whole thing. I'm also inspired by what little I know of her, that in a body which didn't conform to her sense of self, she found herself. In a world that was, at minimum, unaccepting of who she was, she found herself. And, having found herself, she is trying to improve the lives of people who the larger society has often regarded as scum.

Week Four Begins

177 with my cast today. This brings me back to where I was a couple of months ago before I wrecked more havoc (sp?) with my weight in a couple of sloppy, self-indulgent weeks than I'd done in whole months before then. It was not that long ago that getting back to the 60's in a week or 2 of self-disciplined eating was a realistic goal. I'm going in the right direction now. I'll count the milestones as I reach them. Going in the right direction, re-establishing self-discipline when it comes to food, is a major milestone.

Back On Track

Week 3 of disciplined eating ends today. I'm firmly back on track. Only time stands between where I am (177.5 including my cast) and my goal weight. Yaaaaaaaaay and another smiley face for me.

Smiley Faces

Yesterday, along with a subscription solicitation, I received in the mail 36 small smiley faces.
I put one of them next to the total of yesterday's points, thereby giving to myself a child's reward for success. At a fundamental level, I am behaving like a good little girl. The inner adult has reigned in the self indulgent child and rewards her with a smiley face. Tonight I will be able to give myself another smiley face and after that another. The pounds I'll be getting rid of are incidental. It's all about smiley faces now.

Post-surgery Challenges

Thursday, nausea + sedation related sleep kept me to 10 points. Yesterday, Friday, carelessness and a vicodin related need for prunes brought me to 31 points. Today, I'm doing okay. I resisted Eve's apple by not gratifying instantly the desire to eat it. For the next couple of weeks, my activities will be pretty much limited to reading and watching TV, not a bad life since I enjoy reading. The dual challenges I'm likely to face are snacking and a limited ability to prepare the low point/high bulk foods I like. I think I'm up to the challenge.

A Friend I Need

It is about 2:30 a.m., Thursday morning. The surgery on my right hand is scheduled for about 1 p.m. My hand will be in a cast that will extend about mid-way between wrist and elbow until October 26. I'll have to wait about a week after that before I can let my right hand get wet. I'm therefore facing about 3 weeks of limited activities. Thankfully I'll still be able to peck at the keyboard to do some writing. My hope is to be able to write about successfully navigating my way through the challenges that confront me. I will have to be a dedicated and wise friend to myself.

Planting In Eve's Garden

At 178 pounds, I'm going in the right direction.

Last time around, I was successful AND lost weight slowly because I ate foods such as brocolli in abundance without counting their points or calories. If I had followed the Weight Watcher's program 100%, I would have started counting them after eating 5 servings.

I sabataged my success by getting stricter with myself. I counted the brocolli calories, then struggled with myself over eating an apple that might bring my calories/points above the total I was allowing myself. Once I gave into my desire to eat the damn apple, my self control was compromised. I allowed myself another apple and another. At some point I got into the cereal. At some point I became insatiable. At some point, a full scale binge was launched. This process inevitably began with a lie, the lie that I could have that initial forbidden apple, Eve's apple. What I'm learning and relearning is that I shouldn't do so much planting in Eve's garden. I shouldn't fertilize the soil for the telling of lies by being too strict with myself.

There was another aspect to my regain. I was surreptitiously playing "How Low Can You Go." After reaching my goal of 127 pounds, I was delighed to find myself at 125 1/2 pounds. I wondered if I could get to 122. What about 118? If I wanted to find out, I'd have to be strict with myself. I'd have to count the brocolli. I couldn't eat Eve's apple. Even if I really wanted it. Even if I was hungry.

So now I'm 178, down from 185. I've helped myself face a few eating challenges this week by giving myself permission to exceed the number of points I'd otherwise allow myself.
I need to remember to give myself this permission when I'm confronted by those pesky challenges.

A Challenging and Successful Week

At midnight tonight, I will have completed my second week of on-program eating. Three separate occassions of being off routine have challenged me this week. Decompression yesterday was probably the most challenging of the three. While in line, I had a couple of tiny bites of a chocolate ball which contained the herb. This from a comrad in line. A couple of hours later, I was craving sweets. A binge was averted only because I found nothing that would satisfy my craving. I left shortly after. In the car, I gave myself permission to eat the apples I'd brought with me. I ate a couple of red peppers instead. At home, I gave myself permission to eat Angel's Food Cake as well as the very satisfying diet chocolate pudding that is often my night-time treat. This, along with some milk, would have pushed me to the outer limits of my acceptable daily points. The pudding and some milk satisfied me and I allowed myself to return the cake to the freezer.

Things that helped me stay on target:

• I let myself "forget" about the chocolate ball; I didn't try to fit it into my daily points.
  
• I'm adopted an attitude of leniency with my use of points.
• I left Decom. shortly after feeling the craving for sweets.
• I had a rich "legal" dessert at home.
  

<>

178.5 lbs.

It royally sucks to have a sense of relief at this weight. Also to know that normal flucturation will most likely bring it higher before it gets lower. But I'm damn glad to be out of the 80's and going in the right direction. Today I resisted Eve's apple by going on to other things. At lunch I ate it, but it no longer belonged to Eve. Tonight Trisha Yearwood. I'm bringing a slice of Angel's Food Cake to fight the demons at intermission.

A Sleepy Entry

Successful yesterday. I will have to write about this when I'm more energetic. Yesterday's success underscores insights I've had about the regained 58+ pounds. Today I'm tired. I came home from the opera after midnight and didn't go to sleep until about 2 a.m. I've just returned from 2 1/2 hours of pre-op Kaisar appointments followed by a couple of errands. It's hammock time.

Two Apples Today

Oct. 4:I had an apple at about 10 p.m. this evening after a very good, but disappointing, dessert. I knew this apple would put me over my points/calories allocation for the day. And I knew that would weaken my resolve to stay on program. Even without this lapse, tomorrow will test my resolve. Matt and I will be attending an opera in The City. We'll probably have dinner in the restaurant at the opera house. Tomorrow will be a break in my routine. As such, temptations without attractive alternatives are likely to present themselves. The painful condition of Matt's foot will most likely add to the stress. If I give in to my weaker self, I'm unlikely to easily return to the sense of being on track that I've had since I started this blog. From somewhere deep inside me I have to find the core of strenth that will help me navigate these treacherous waters.
Oct. 5: #1 - I didn't regain 58+ pounds by eating apples.; #2 - Matt is staying home because of the pain in his toe; I'll be going by myself; #3 - I am prepared. I'm bringing my own food. If I eat everything that I brought, I will be one point above the daily maximum I should allow myself. Because of last night's large, crispy, and very delicious apple, I was one point above my daily maximum yesterday. #4 - I didn't regain 58+ pounds by being one point above my daily maximum. Bottom line: Forget about the damn apple and the extra point. Be disciplined and joyful.

Focus On Behavior!

I'm still in the eighties. One hundred eighty-one this morning. A pound more than yesterday. Normal fluctuation. Four pounds less than last Tuesday. Not a real loss of four pounds. Last week's weight included bloat from a binge the day and days before. If I think about my current weight, I get upset. So much better to focus on my behavior.

A Milestone: The First Full Week of Success

It is 12:15 a.m. (approx.). I have completed one week of disciplined eating. The next big milestone will be the completion of three weeks of disciplined eating. Why three weeks? Because
I read somewhere that habit setting takes place after three weeks. Another milestone will arrive a few days later. Oct. 22 is the day I began my successful loss of 65+ pounds four years ago. Now I am at the start of another successful weight loss journey. I find that since I began this blog, I've been able to shift my weight loss paradigm from pounds lost to behavior practiced. This paradigm substanially contributed to my earlier success. I celebrate the accomplishment of this first week of disciplined eating. Whatever the scale says tomorrow is less important than this. My old mantra still applies: My job is to follow "the program." And if I do that, the weight loss will take care of itself.

Accomplishing Stuff Feels Good

The walk I'd planned to take this morning did not happen. Instead I've been cleaning our floors. That counts as exercize, doesn't it? I think that at the end of today I will have completed my first whole week of eating discipline. A shower now, then lunch, then sewing. I'm feeling on track. Hurray for me. And thanks to the weather gods that have brought another day of sunshine.

Bedtime Matters!

I didn't sew after writing yesterday's journal. I read in an undisciplined way and later, after watching two forgettable and mildly entertaining videos with Matt, got lost in cyberspace.
This was a desultory meandering which didn't end until almost 2 a.m.
Thus far, I've been undisciplined today. Undisciplined in everything but eating. And since this is a journal focusing on "getting rid of the regain," I note my success, a sixth day of being "on program." Tomorrow night, I'll successfully complete one week of dietary discipline. That will be a milestone I haven't been able to achieve in a very long time.

Take the Damn Shower First!

Lazy today. If I don't take my shower before or right after breakfast, I seem to not get around to taking a walk. "My walk left without me," I told Matt. "I'm going to see if it's laying on the hammock." Now, after my shower, the sunny day has turned cloudy. I'm ready for more hammock time. Instead, I'll sew, my first real sewing project since Ben was an infant. And in a size that will hopefully be too big for me in two or three months.