Freedom

A sugar rampage last night. First, unsatisfied with the dessert I'd just had, I munched on a couple of carmel flavored rice crackers. This brought my daily total to an acceptable 25 points. But I was not satisfied. I craved more sweets. And I gave in to myself again and again. I enjoyed it. I felt free. Then I became freedom's slave. I felt driven to eat beyond satisfaction. I ate sweet things, things which I usually measure out to myself. Today, after a legit breakfast, I wanted that freedom back. I went for the cereal. After eating just a few pieces, I found myself in the same driven state as last night. Before I started writing this, I considered not writing at all. Once I started, I still felt under the control of lack of control. I'm not sure what the rest of the day will be like. I'm wondering if I can just let myself relax the points for today. Having experienced freedom and seen how it can become it's opposite, can I let myself be free?

Me at 170

For now, at 170 lbs., in loose hide-the-bulge clothes, I don't look too horrible. The flowing fabric does much to conceal my all too "queen size" body. But does it disguise it? Is anyone fooled into thinking that I'm not fat? My size 10 clothes from before the regain have a different look. They cling to my body rather than drape it. They reveal my curves rather than conceal my bulges. My size 10's hang in my closet waiting for me. Patiently.

Thanksgiving Success

I successfully followed my Thanksgiving strategy. Yaaaaaaaay for me. An all encompassing fatigue bludgeoned me the following day, yesterday. I ate E've's apple mid-morning and made myself vulnerable to a binge with 2 crackers. Still, I was able to end the day with 22 points. On Thanksgiving, Wendy told me that she'd noticed that I seemed to have lost weight. I told her I was "back on track." I believe I am.

And the scale this morning said . . . ta dah . . . 170

Thanksgiving Strategy

I've (tentatively) decided to eat what's being served at tomorrow's Thanksgiving meal instead of bringing my own points calculated meal. This will be an exercize in portion control. I'm bringing dessert, three bakery items from Safeway. These will be joined by a vegan blueberry tart that Rachael is bringing and (possibly) a pecan pie that Narda may make. I've decided to
allow myself a taste of each. Really just a taste. Which I'll eat slowly. Which I'll savor. I plan to enjoy the meal as well, taking small portions of the higher calorie foods and larger portions of the ones that are low calorie. I'm still struggling with the wine decision. It would be good for me to say "no" to this indulgence for a variety of reasons. I'll have one of my regular breakfasts in the morning and lunch around noon. The Thanksgiving meal will probably be in the late afternoon. We'll be celebrating the holiday at Ben and Wendy's house. I may be hungry again by the time we return home and, if so, I will eat something. Possibly a salad. I'll cap off the day with yogurt mixed with frozen fruit over a couple of rice cakes. I may gain some weight tomorrow. That won't be a problem for me. The important thing is that I don't slide into a binge. And that I go back to my usual routine the following day. My Thanksgiving stragegy, negatively stated, is to avoid feelings of hunger, deprivation, and excess fullness. Positively stated, I want to feel satisfied. This encompasses my relationships with people who I care about as well as food.

The Sleep Lesson (Again!!!)

Today begins week 9. In week 8, I managed to nullify the previous week's mini-binge with two 23 point days. I went on to have a 21 point Friday, a 23 point Saturday, and a 20 point Sunday. I hoped to be able to bring a surplus of points to our Thanksgiving celebration this coming Thursday. I toyed with the idea of routinely skimping on points in order to speed up my weight loss and give myself surplus points. I was feeling good about all this. Last night I decided to continue watching TV until 11 p.m. in order to watch the 3D episode of Medium. All too predictably, I got tripped up by fatigue and a shortage of points. The result was that I yielded to the urge to eat beyond my 25 point maximum. I went through two pumpkin muffins and two rice cakes from 10 to 11 p.m. This brought yesterday's points total to 31. I think of how I glided from success to success when I lost the 65+ pounds several years ago. How different things are now. Hopefully my fighting the good fight as I'm getting rid of the lbs. now will strengthen my ability to maintain my goal weight once I achieve it. My intention is to put last night's mini-binge in the forgetaboutit box. With this caveat: It is a lesson learned and relearned ad infinitum. I had planned to stay up to watch Ted Koppel's last appearance on Nightline tonight. When I reflected on last night's binge, I changed my mind and asked Matt to tape it instead. There are bound to me late nights ahead of me. When they occur, I'll deal with them as best as I can. But I don't have to pull my own rug out from under me as I fight this good fight. Getting to sleep at a decent time continues to be important for my success.

Progress

171 this morning; 170.5 yesterday morning. Soon I'll be back in the 60's.

Groundhog Day

Today would be my "groundhog day" if I could make it so. The glorious weather pulled me from the kitchen to the beautiful outdoors, then to the trail behind the Trione house to White Oak and then home via the fire trail. A techno CD energized me as I strained against the upward climb. I'd have run and danced going downhill if my cranky body would have allowed it. The gray weather blues that so often accompany me at this time of the year were too far away to be even a memory. I was filled with a sense of unmitigated joy. By days end, I'd made inroads on the list of tasks that keeps me from walking for weeks on end. Even now, 12:10 a.m. Friday, I feel a joyfulness that my body can't quite contain. The joyfullness feels profound and even spiritual. If this would be my ground hog day, I would choose to live forever.

A Good Meal Gone Bad

After trying unsuccessfully to doctor up Monday night's slop, last night (Tuesday night) I dumped it into a container with plans to trash it today. The slop had been frozen, a good meal gone bad in the freezing process. More than a meal. Three or four meals when the container was full. Of slop. With the slop dumped out, last night's dinner was a white flour roll of limited nutritional value. And dessert: two waffles topped with diet vanilla pudding and frozen peaches. Yummmm! Instead of provoking a mini-binge as it did the night before, the way I handled the slop last night brought my total for the day to 23 points; a 26 point average for the two days. Another 23 point day will wipe out the binge.

Forgetaboutit, but listen to Benjamin F.

A mini-binge last night. Three rice cakes. Yesterday's point total: 29. Today's weight 173.5.
Normal fluctuation, I think. Even at 29 points, I'm probably still getting rid of the lbs.; at worst, I'm maintaining my current weight. Disappointment with dinner and dessert combined with tiredness fueled the binge. Having written this now, my strategy is to forget the whole thing.

With this caveat: An earlier bed-time would do much to curtail binges like this. Offing the TV at 10 p.m., in bed by 10:30, reading until 11:30. With a routine like that, I might even be prepared to greet the new day earlier and with more enthusiasm. This is a change that I'll make. Or that I'll try. An experiment of sorts.

I was thinking about the Spain vacation Matt and I will be taking. If I can come to it at the same weight I was two years earlier, when Ben and Wendy got married, I'll be okay. Getting rid of 25 pounds between now and then is realistic. If I stay the course.

172

Stumbling onwards

This was a week that could easily have generated a huge weight gain. With 7+ weeks of success behind me, I stumbled onwards. My weeks of success held me steady amidst the challenges.

• On Thursday night, when Matt and I went to the KGO verbal slugfest: Since the seats were unreserved and we wanted good ones, we got in line at about 4:45 p.m. for the show which would last until 9 p.m. The big question was, when would we eat? I packed food for us and decided that I would allow myself a few extra points for the day. I had a sandwich before the event as we waited in line. Though eating was prohibited in the audience, I ate a few cherry tomatoes while there. I'd also packed a trail mix bar to eat during the show and an apple for afterwards. Comforted by their presence, I opted instead to have my Weight Watcher dessert at home. At the end of the day, I'd had an acceptable 25 points.

• On Friday when Ben came for an afternoon visit which included lunch: I planned to use more points at lunch than usual. When I yielded to my desire to have some angel food cake along with Ben and Matt, I brought my total for the afternoon to 12 points. Combined with a 5 point breakfast, I had only 8 points left for the evening. This could easily have been a set-up for me feeling the kind of deprivation that has spurred me on to full scale binging in the past. I decided to allow myself some extra points. I ended up with 27 points for the day. Averaging this out with Wednesday's 23 points, I remained on track for the week.

• Yesterday: After avoiding Costco's food samples, I surprised myself by letting myself get into a double dipping sample fest at Whole Foods. It started, innocently enough, with a sample of bread. It continued with something flakey on a tray of Indian food, a couple of pieces of a chunky cookie at the baked goods counter, and pumpkin pie in a tiny cup at a sampling station of Thanksgiving food. I returned home thinking I should do something to "end" this binge, by which I meant eating something that would end the binge. Ending" a binge by eating is a lie. This time, I caught myself. I assigned the food sample binge 2 points and went onwards to finish the day with a 25 point total.

The season of temptation will soon be upon me. It will offer heavy duty temptations:

• Steve and at least Daniella, if not the whole family, coming to our house next week-end or the week-end after
• Thanksgiving at Ben and Wendy's house
• New Year's Eve
  
• Hawaii
• A week and a half with Rachael, including 6 days at Esalen

• I've got to be strong.
  
• I've got to figure out strategies to get through this.
  
• I've got to know when I can be flexible and when I can't.
  
• I must remain disciplined.
  
• I must be focused on success.
• I must remember always the many reasons why returning to my goal weight is important to me.

172.5

COWJAM

Day 2 of week 7: I have continued to be disciplined with my eating, yet my weight is a half pound more than it was ten days ago. 174.4 pounds today. Normal fluctuation. Or fucktuation. I'll be registering my disapproval with the COWJAM (Court of Weight Justice and Merit). My case is strong, but most likely weakened by my failure to accompany my excellent eating habits with at least a modicum of exercize. I'll be changing my evil ways, but not today and not tomorrow. But soon. Very soon.

The Family Room Couch

The family room couch is soaked with some kind of gas that permeates my clothes and penetrates my skin. This gas is toxic and makes me want to eat despite not being hungry. I was figuring how to satisfy this urge and manipulate the points involved in satisfying it as I entered the project room for some quick task. I was about to go downstairs again, when Matt asked me a question that required me to sift through a pile of papers on my desk. This put me in project room mode. It is now about twenty minutes later. The toxic gas has disapated. Soon I'll return to the family room couch armed with enough points to satisfy myself until it's time to go to sleep.

Occassions: Deprivation and Self Indulgence

174.5 the scale says today. This is normal fluctuation and doesn't discourage me. I've been on track with my eating, skimping on points even yesterday. I've done and will continue to do this skimping with an eye to the future. On Wednesday, Ben and I will most likely be going out to lunch. The points I've "saved" will allow me to be slightly self indulgent without self sabatage. This will be good practice for the upcoming Hawaii vacation and Spring trip to Spain that Matt and I will be taking. Also, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve. I need to be able to negotiate "occassions" without feeling deprived or triggering a binge. I have the paradigm of my handling of the Alisal/Big Sur vacation when I got rid of the 65+ pounds before. I can be my own model of success.

Walking the walk - or not . . .

I've been making up for Tuesday's self indulgence by skimping on my points the last two days.
Keeping my points to 23 or less today will bring me to a 25 point average for the four days. Yaaaay for me! I have not been walking and don't feel inclined to do so. For now, I'm okay with this.

Lies and more lies

I'm sitting at the computer, unshowered and in my nightgown, this Wednesday morning. Last night I blew off the program with an extra 7 points beyond my 25 point max. I paved the path for this by lying to myself about Eve's apple. My typical lunch has been a cup of cottage cheese over an apple cut in chunks and topped with 30 grams of Fiber 1. Yesterday I substituted an orange for the apple. Afterwards I ate an apple knowing full well that my substitution of an orange had made the apple Eve's. I lied to myself about this thereby reducing the number of points I had available to play around with at night. This would have been okay if I hadn't compounded the problem by allowing myself 1.2 ounces of an onion roll, bringing my dinner total to 8 points. That might have been okay if the roll was substantial and wonderful tasting, but it wasn't. This led to me feeling deprived. I ate only about half the roll, then allowed myself a rice cake. That would have been okay if I hadn't followed it by another rice cake and then two more with my (allowed) chocolate pudding. With this, I was 3 points over my max. This opened the door for another 4 points in the form of a Weight Watchers cookie dough sundae. In a rather brilliant move, I ended all this by eating half a red pepper. I thereby was able to contain the binge so that it had no carry-over today. This might be a paradigm for ending binges in the future. I think my mini-binge served to make yesterday a maintenance day rather than one in which I lost or gained weight. I've already recovered my focus.

Obviously, since I'm writing now and still in my nightgown, I haven't walked today. My intention was to forego the walk and deal with a mountain of paperwork. I was about to justify this, then immediately knew that this would involve lying to myself. I'm trying to get around that, but may take the damn shower and walk instead.

The Richardson Trail

A correction from yesterday: Today is the first day of my sixth week of being "on program." That this is also the first day of a new month pleases me.

Yesterday I walked on the Richardson Trail and today I did so again only going further. This trail has the advantages of dirt over asphault and an incline over flat ground. In the first case, the walk is less jarring and, in the second, I'm able to exert myself without getting into a bone punishing speed. I'm looking forward to experiencing an easier climb over the next several months. Hopefully. Depending on the rain. Rain is forcast for tonight and is expected to continue through the week until Friday. If the trail gets muddy, I'll walk on asphault. If rain continues, I'll run errands. The challenge will be to resist the desire to hibernate.

Another food note. Last time around I recorded all the food I ate along with its calories, grams of protein, and points. Forced to simplify when my cast made writing virtually impossible, I recorded only points. I'm sticking with that for now.