A Perspective for 2006

Whether counting points or indulging in an infantile desire to gobble up the world and everything in it, I'm too focused on food. My New Year's resolution is to focus on what I'll be doing instead of on what I'll be eating. This comes with a couple of appropriate caveats: It's okay, even good, for me to focus on the food when I'm actually eating it. It's okay, even good, to do some thinking about food preparation, recipes and the like. Insufficent energy has been a significant problem for me. As I've mentioned before, it's time for me to get back to affirmations, ie. I have all the energy I need to accomplish my goals. When my energy is low, I need to get off the couch and into bed or plow ahead with an activity requiring minimal energy. My intention for 2006 is to stay in touch with that side of myself which is centered and strong and alive, that side of myself which is compassionate and understanding, that side of myself which may be child-like at times, but which is never infantile. This is not about perfection or 100%. Rather it's about approximation, about consciously and conscientiously turning towards the sun. Getting rid of the regain will be among the likely consequences of such a well lived life.

I may stumble, but damn it, I won't fall

I've committed to posting both when I'm strong and when I'm weak. This evening I was again self indulgent with food. To a significant degree, this was a result of my spending too much time in front of the TV. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. I'm making it a point to not make weight watching into a New Year's resolution. I intend to be on target with my points on the last day and night of 2005.

Realistic Goals

172.5 this morning probably represents 2 1/2 pounds of real regain with my recent infantile binging. My goal is to weigh no more than 172.5 pounds when I leave for Carmel in exactly a week and when I return home 8 or 9 days later.

A Non-Fatal Break in the Routine

173.5 this morning and I can still fit into my "fat" black jeans. I had a bagel (5 points) and cheese (2 points) when Steve, Matt's son, and his wife Karen came for lunch. Going ahead with the bagel was an "off-program," spur of the moment decision, but I think I can make today's points come out right. For now, I'm off to the after-Christmas sales. I'm taking along 2 red peppers cut into slices and some diet Sunkist and Dr. P.

A New Beginning - for real; I mean it

175.5 lbs. was my (after lunch) weight today. I can't really blame Christmas or The Holiday Season. My weight gain is primarily a solitary venture. On the way home yesterday, in the spirit of gluttony and good intensions for the following day, I stopped twice for ice cream cones, double scoop and large. I could easily have stopped for a third ice cream cone if my travel time had been longer.
Today, 12/27/05, is numerically auspicious, 27 being a favored number for me. Some upcoming target dates that appeal to me are the 27th of every month, 2/06/2006, and 6/06/06. 10/22/06 is another significant date since it was exactly 5 years earlier that I began my successful march to my 127 lb. goal weight. I like playing with numbers.
I'll be facing some challenging situations in the weeks ahead and I'm concerned about how I'll deal with them. Most particularly, Rachael and I will be attending a week long glass fusing workshop at Esalen. Matt will remain at home. Meals are included with this workshop. I've heard that the food at Esalen is extremely good. Even though healthful choices are available, I could easily gain weight. I know it's up to me, but right now I'm not very confident in my ability to say "no" to myself. Additionally,I'll be meeting Ben for lunch in The City on my way down to Carmel where Rachael lives. We'll be eating at a place renown for wonderful food. Then Rachael and I will be spending a few days together before Esalen. Finally, after the Esalen workshop, I'll have the long drive home. All of this out-of-routine, on-the-go stuff will provide both opportunities and excuses for me to take a vacation from rational eating. I'm going to have to gear up for it. I've got to built up a chain of being in control with food even if it's only for the 9 days which include today. I've got to get back into doing the mind stuff, the affirmations and positive imagery, that I know can be such powerful tools in my battle for self control.
And I've got to DO IT, not just write about it.
And I've got to DO IT NOW!!!

# 3 - Dec. 24, 2005

Okay, I'm turning it around right now. I haven't yet had lunch, but will be making a lunch in accordance with my weight goals as soon as I finish this post. I will precede with tomorrow, Christmas day, as if I hadn't been as infantile as I've been these last few days. Onwards to my goal weight.

# 2 - Dec. 24, 2005

175: The laws of the regain have not been suspended in either direction.

# 1 - Dec. 24, 2005

I will return to blogging when I return to common sense and disciplined eating.

Stuck Right Now, but still writing . . .

I began a binge last night with nonfat yogurt and Fiber 1. To call this a binge may sound like the annoying whine of the braggart who confesses to some petty flaw as a way of calling attention to some over-riding superiority . There is something rather virtuous about binging on yogurt and Fiber 1. That's the treachery of it. It's how I trick myself. I start with something that is healthful, but I end up gluttenous. Last night, among other things, I got into the mini-donuts. I finished them today. Yesterday morning, I'd returned to 170 lbs. Right now, my black jeans are uncomfortably tight. My binge trigger was fatigue last night. This morning my fatigue was intensified by gloomy skies. No more of my analysis. I'm too tired to be discouraged. I plan to continue my binge tonight. I plan to go to bed early. Tomorrow will be a new beginning.

Plain Talk About Binging

Since my last post 18 days ago, I've enjoyed a lazy Maui vacation and I have gained one pound. This reflects a committment to my goal that has sometimes wavered, but never too badly, during the past two and a half weeks. If I'd been more self disciplined at the condo where we stayed and at home on the day after our return, I could have easily maintained my weight, maybe even gotten rid of a pound or two. I could have maintained my weight even with the restaurant meals that I so thoroughly enjoyed. On the other hand, I only gained a pound. It could have easily been a whole lot more if I'd been more self indulgent.

I return from Maui with a new and shiney Brilliant Insight - tadaaaaaaa!! - that my equating freedom with binging is in fact bullshit or, more elegantly, sophistry. To say that I binge as a reaction to the straight jacket of counting points is psychobabble. To say that it's about freedom is like invoking the Constitution or the Declaration of Independance to excuse a dinner table fart. I binge because I like to eat. Once I've allowed myself to eat when or what I shouldn't, it becomes harder for me to restrain myself. I want more and I eat more. Even after I've become uncomfortably full, I like to eat. My binging is not about freedom. It is not the result of psychopathology. I am not under the control of some powerful force that makes me binge. I binge because I like to eat and eat and eat. Putting this in such stark terms puts the responsibility on me where it belongs. And this means that I always have a choice. I can choose immediate gratification or delayed gratification. I can choose to behave as an adult or as an undisciplined child. I can choose to allow or not allow an inconvenience to become an excuse to eat when or what I shouldn't. I can choose to eat with or without restraint. I feel strong writing this.

Corralling the Binge Monkey

I was able to get ahold of my eating yesterday by getting out from under the constraint of points. When Matt came home with a bag of bagels, I was tempted to slowly devour one. I pulled myself away instead with the promise that I could have one at dinner. With this, I became stronger than my temptation and avoided propelling myself into a binge. Free from the constraint of points, I had the bagel with dinner as well as a (high point) banana. Later, I had my typical evening dessert, pudding with frozen fruit, in this case cherries. Cherries are a relatively high calorie fruit and I let myself get by without weighing them. I had planned to have a couple of rice cakes, but decided I didn't really want them. I ended up having about the same number of dessert points as usual. I'd like to allow myself occasional episodes of freedom without propelling myself into insatiability and mindless binging. Perhaps I can take brief vacations from counting points if I give myself permission in advance. Doing this on a spontaneous basis would not be a good idea. One thing I know for sure: I SHOULD NEVER MAKE A FOOD DECISION WHILE SITTING ON THE FAMILY ROOM COUCH.

Several hours later: My weight has maintained at 170 despite the last 2 days. I guess I would have been up for a loss had I maintained discipline. I'm encouraged.