Success Comes In Bits and Pieces

In a dream last night, I'd lost and regained 65+ pounds. I was a senior in high school and attempting to get rid of this weight. I realized that I wouldn't get rid of it in time to benefit from being an attractive high school student. Most particularly, I wouldn't be attractive to boys and therefore wouldn't be able to find my one and only true love. Then I realized that I could get rid of the weight in college and find my 1+otl there. Thankfully my 1+otl is in my waking life right now (Hi Matt!) and continues to love me through thick and thin. Again my dream lacks the absolute certainty of the dream in October 2001 that launched my mega mighty weight loss. It has a similar optimistic feel to it as Monday night's dream. I think high school represents either our upcoming trip to Spain or Burning Man. I think I can reasonably expect to be at the halfway point of getting rid of the regain before Burning Man but not before Spain. I have to be okay with this and also with the reality that I most probably won't be at my goal weight when The Man burns. In my closet right now are such beautiful size tens and twelves. I will wear them again!

(a little later) My weight this morning was 176.5. Rounded off, I have 50 pounds to get rid of. At this mid-point of this, I'll weigh 152 pounds. At that weight, I'll be able to fit (just barely) in a skirt and a pair of pants I bought for the week-end of Ben and Wendy's wedding.

An Encouraging Dream

I sabataged yesterday's morning shower resolution by staying up too late last night resulting in my being too tired this morning to toss myself into the shower. Still, I think I've regained control of my eating. I had a semi-potent dream last night in which I was in the process of losing weight and had already achieved some significant success. It lacked the absolute certainty of the similar dream that launched my weight loss of 65+ pounds, yet it had a good feel to it. I think I can hold on to the dream image of me wearing a dark dress and at a midpoint between my current weight and what I'd like weigh. I'm also encouraged by Twice The Man hanging in there with me. In so many ways, his task seems so much more challenging than mine, yet he's continued to check in with how I'm doing despite my constant self-duping and back-sliding. (Thanks again G.R.H.)

I'm Such A Liar

178.5 this morning. Who do I think I'm kidding re. not counting points and somehow halting the regain? I so easily lie to myself. You'd think that after almost 6 decades on this planet that I'd learn so see through my own prevarications, obfuscations, and the like. Tomorrow I'll return to point counting. Tomorrow, before anything else, I'll take my morning shower. Tomorrow I'll find the time and energy to go for a walk, even if its only the .1 miles down to Wild Oak Drive. Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow. I will be older, wiser, and saner. And my behavior will reflect this.

Change of focus

This morning's weight was 177.5. I was going to discontinue this blog, but will instead change its focus. Thank you to those who've been encouraging me as I've struggled along, especially Twice The Man. From now on I'll be focusing on living a life that is energetic, joyful, and creative.
This may or may not help me to get rid of the regain. Most importantly, I've got to stop regaining more.

Yeah, I'm Back

Another day of self-discipline with food. Tomorrow's challenge is that I'll be out for much of the day. I'll be packing a lunch. I, Arlene, am firmly back in control.

More Energy

I was self disciplined yesterday, worthy of note on the basis of one day at a time. I also had more energy, an important component in my ability to be self disciplined. I've reduced the number of anti-histimines I take at night as a sleeping potent from three to two. Eventually, if I can get a decent enough sleep without taking them, I'll eliminate them entirely. Energy affirmation: I, Arlene, have abundant energy to joyfully live my wonderful life!

A New "New Beginning"

Okay, I now weigh 176 and I'm back in control.

What I'm Not Going To "Publish"

I have started a secret weight record which I've saved as a draft. I will publish it when I can register some success. Needless to say, I've been self-indulgent to the max. My current weight reflects this. I'm considering today "a new beginning."

The Secret Weight Record Revealed

Jan. 4: 171.5
Jan. 5: 172.5 undisciplined last night; self indulgent this morning
Jan. 15: 175.5 "better" than I expected after 10 days of self-indulgence at Esalen, in Big Sur,
driving from home and back; I won't be "publishing" this until I get back in control.
Jan. 17: 178 This follows more out of control days.
Jan. 18: 174.5 That's better than I deserve. The weight gods are being good to me.
Jan. 20: 176 What if I just decided not to eat after dinner, to go for daily walks whenever
possible, to do affirmations in the morning?. I'm beginning to feel like I don't want to live my life counting points, thinking of what I can and can't eat, thinking of whether I can or can't go out to eat or have a drink or two. What if I just engage with life and aim for moderation in my eating? Am I capable of doing that?
Jan. 22: 176 No, I'm not capable of doing that. Fortunately my weight this morning doesn't
reflect the thorough lack of moderation that followed my Jan. 20 entry.

Blessed

Tomorrow I'll be leaving to spend 9 or 10 days with Rachael while Matt keeps the home fires burning (and the kitties fed). On the way, I'll be having lunch in The City with Ben and will also be meeting his co-workers. My goal is to maintain my current weight during that week and a half.
I intend to focus on the people who I'm with, the activites that I'm doing, and my surroundings. I intend to enjoy the food I eat, while making wise food choices that satisfy both my hunger and my desire for good food. I will not deprive myself nor will I be a glutton. I will approach the days ahead centered in the knowledge that I am healthy, self-confident, and blessed.

Building On Victory

After a couple weeks of back-and-forthing it with binging, I've been wondering if I can still say that Sept. 27, 2005 is when I started getting rid of the regain. Would it be more honest to do the new year's resolution thing and start the counting with a "clean slate?" A comment by Twice The Man has helped me to regain some perspective. He points out that I've lost 12 pounds since Sept. 27 and that this is a victory on which I can build. With that perspective and this morning's weight at 172, I'm realizing that if I average a weight loss of just 4 pounds a month, I'll be at goal by January 2007. Thanks Twice The Man.

Onwards into 2006

Matt and I watched a tediously boring movie last night, "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. With the excuses of New Year's Eve, a disappointing video, and my failure to prep. some decent dinner for myself and little time in which to do so, I ate and ate and then ate some more. This morning I weighed 174. About a pound of that is the kind of weight gain that follows a binge and drops off easily. So I'm figuring that I begin 2006 weighing approx. 173. I expect to be within about 10 pounds of my goal weight of 127 by January 1, 2007. This involves a realistic loss of an average of a pound a week when I'm at home. When I'm not at home or on "occassions," I expect to be more self indulgent. Playing with the numbers as I sometimes do, I can't help but notice that 2007, a year that ends in 7, seems auspicious to me. 07/07/07 seems uber auspicious, but I hope that I'll be at goal before then. It would be cool to weigh 127 on 1/27/07, but that might require me to be more restrictive with myself than I want to be. As I precede (procede?), I'll be putting the focus more on my behavior than on the number of pounds I've lost. That approach worked well for me the last time around. Onwards now.