On Turning Sixty

With a weight of 167, the morning scale was kinder to me than I expected or deserved.

My birthday is Monday. This week-end and Monday will be "occassionful." I'm aiming for maintenance or, at most, a half pound gain. Rational self indulgence. If, on Tuesday morning, I weight l67.5 or 168, I won't be unhappy. If I've been rationally self indulgent, I'll even be okay with 169, normal fluctuation plus about a half pound. The important thing is my behavior. If I behave responsibly, the weight will take care of itself.

I'm about to begin another decade. I'm surprisingly joyous about this. I didn't expect to be happy about this several months and certainly not several decades ago. Several months ago the issue was the age itself. Sixty sounds old. I've gotten past that. Several decades ago I wouldn't have expected to be as happy with myself and my life as I am now. Part of this is/was a matter of temperment. With regard to that, as the years have passed, I've gotten increasingly comfortable with myself. There is also the matter of accomplishments. When I was in my thirties, I strongly felt that I had to do something impressive to justify my existence. My parents had often spoken dismissively about being average, or mediocre as they sometimes put it. I incorporated their attitude and made of it a whip. Now, having failed to write The Great American Novel, having failed to get that Ph.D., having failed to succeed in a prestigious career, I yet emerge with a sense of accomplishment and joy. Mostly this is about my children. As I see them accomplish the goals that they've set for themself, the relationships that they bring into their lives, their friendship with each other and with Matt and me, I am fulfilled. This is also about the wonderful and fulfilling relationship that my hubby, Matt, and I have co-created. Plus a few other average type things I've managed to accomplish along the way.

Sixty. I don't think I ever really expected to turn sixty. It doesn't even make sense to me. Arlene is turning sixty sounds like an oxymoron. It puzzles me and makes me laugh.

Another Opportunity to Succeed

I did well until 10:45 p.m. The I gave in to the vanilla ice cream and cold oatmeal. One bowl followed by another followed by 2 of chocolate mint. Today is another opportunity to succeed.

Fighting the Urge RIGHT NOW

Okay, right now I'm fighting the urge for something sweet, largely because I'm tired and oatmeal left from last night is beckoning me. Cold oatmeal with sugar on top sounds good to me. How about vanilla ice cream on top instead of the sugar. How about forgetting the oatmeal and just having the ice cream. Maybe substitute mint chocolate for the vanilla. A good idea occurs to me. How about just a half cup of ice cream. Two or three points depending on the flavor. Maybe this could be a new paradigm. An afternoon dessert instead of one at night. Commandeer Fat Girl has been whispering to me. I'm writing this instead.

Moving On

I seem to be following the path of my regain right now: disciplined for up to six days, then a binge. Exhaustion was the excuse of the binge that started, as usual with a lie, late afternoon yesterday. The lie was that I'd be able to contain it with uncounted points from an orange and Fiber 1. I'd been fighting the cereal urge all afternoon, ever since Matt's phone call woke me from an afternoon nap. He wasn't feeling well and wanted oatmeal for dinner. (Hi Matt. I'm not blaming you. Well . . . No, not really).

How to deal with it: FAI, forget about it, and move on.

How to deal with the challenges of upcoming "occassions": deal with them.

I'm making a skirt and top in a size that just fits me at 167. A pound or two more and it will be too snug. Take that, Commandeer Fat Girl! I don't have time to figure you out any more.
Onwards now.

Television is Evil

I had a small setback on Saturday night, recovered my self discipline on Sunday morning, and returned to my lowest recent weight yesterday. I got off course again last night. In the first case, Matt and I were watching the video Pride and Prejudice. In the second, we were watching a multi-hour program about Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Katie Stanton. In the first case, I assumed a FAI (Forget About It) attitude and moved on. This is the attitude I also assumed today.

A confession: My hubby and I watch TV when we eat. Weight loss "experts" most often counsel against this and, were my parents still alive, they'd be ashamed of me. My hubby and I like to eat this way. And it works for me. What doesn't work is watching TV after I've finished eating. As on Saturday night and last night, I seem to want to continue eating, find myself craving something sweet or crispy or salty, and find myself giving in. Fortunately I don't like most TV.

I should add that I allow myself a nightly dessert which I usually start eating an hour before I'm ready for bed. I know that this is something against which the "experts" counsel. Inasmuch as I got rid of 65+ pounds doing this, I see no reason to take the "expert's" advise. I eat this dessert in front of the TV and, if Boston Legal or Medium is on, may even watch (as opposed to simultaneously reading or doing Sudoku.)

What I need is a strategy for the times when Matt and I are watching TV and it's neither dinner nor dessert time. Not watching TV is a stellar idea, but I'd like to watch a good multi-hour program when I want to without lurching myself into a binge. Ditto for Saturday night videos.
I'm going to try simultaneously working on a project involving my hands, making hooks for the glass pendants I'll be fusing, doing hand sewing, that type of thing. I hope that solves it.

That said, I'm on track, getting rid of the regain. It was just so much easier the last time around.

167 and Confident

I've been at and around 167 for about a week now, there one day, fluctuating up a bit the next. Sometimes in the past, I've said that I'd be okay remaining at this weight if I'd never exceed it. This is not an awful weight for me.

Even so, I find myself determined to return to the 127 - 132 pound range. My biggest reason is a shallow one. I like size ten clothes, the ones I bought the last time around, the ones I imagine buying and making in the future. I like clothes that reveal my figure, as much as a 60 year old, even a slim one, can attractively reveal. I like being able to have fun with clothes.

I have right now almost the same degree of certainty that I'll get to my weight goal as I had the last time I confronted this challenge. I know that I'll be tested in the months and years ahead, that fatigue will be my biggest challenge because I'm most vulnerable when I'm tired, and that travel and occassions will present their own difficulties. Yet I'm feeling long-term optomistic. The photo of myself on the home page of this blog has helped me to identify with that self image. As my behavior conforms to it, that internalized me is becoming real. This time around, I'll give away the "fat clothes" that I'd planned to donate the last time and that I now wear once again. I'll have no further use for them.

Stage Three

I identify the stages of my regain as follows:

Stage 1: Commandeer* Fat Girl at the Helm (determined to reassert control)
* This is not a mis-spelling. The objective of Fat Girl is to commandeer my success and turn it into failure.
127 - 155 (early April 2003 - late February 2004)

Stage 2: The Friggin Elevator
155 - 144 - 155 . . . (late February to mid-May to early September 2004 with lots of up and downs in between)

Stage 3: The RV Trip
155 - 176 (approx. September 22 to December 11, 2004)

Stage 4: Commandeer Fat Girl Smug and at the Helm (victorious and proud of it)
169 - 185 (mid December 2004 to late September 2005)

On Saturday, when I reached 169 pounds, the question emerged: Was I at the lowest end of Stage 4 or almost a third of the way down from the highest end of Stage 3? A couple of recent dreams in which I'd gotten rid of a noticeable amount of weight gave me reassurance. In Friday night's dream, I knew with almost the same degree of certainty that I'd had in the dream which preceded my 65+ pound weight loss, that I'd be back to 127. I don't believe that dreams are magical as predictors of success, but I know they give me a good sense of what I'm really experiencing.

Today the scale said 167.5. This is the lowest that I've been since Matt and I returned from our RV trip in December 2004. I believe that I'm now dealing with the weight that I gained during that trip. I also believe that I must be vigilent with regards to Commandeer Fat Girl. As suggested by the overlap of Stages 3 and 4, she is vigilent in her efforts to get me back. She successfully sabataged my early efforts to get rid of the weight I'd gained when we returned from our RV trip. Despite my success in getting down to 169 pounds in early February 2005, she gained the victory when I was 176 pounds a month later. I kept up the struggle and was at 169 again the following month, but I allowed her to dominate in the months after that as my weight crept up to 185. Somewhere along the line, I'd entered Stage 4. Even so, Commandeer Fat Girl's victory was incomplete. Despite it all, I managed to keep off 7 pounds of my original 65+ pound weight loss.

Commmandeer Fat Girl is the me that is so identified with fatness that it has become self defintion. That is why I give such high regard to my dreams. They show my detachment from Commandeer Fat Girl. They show a new definition of self. I, Arlene, am a healthy adult getting rid of weight I gained during a 3 month RV trip. Once that's gone, I'll be well equipped to get rid of the rest of the regain.

Thanks To My On-line Supporters

When I ran out of points on Monday or Tuesday night, the seductress told me it would be okay to go above my allocation. She tempted me with Eve's apple. I thought of you and wanted to be strong. I snacked on snap peas (40 calories a cup and no points). As for the soft-serve at Berry's Market, it no longer exists for me. I've let myself become accountable to you. Hopefully I'll stay accountable.

This morning the scale said 170. This is the lowest weight I've reached since starting this blog on Sept. 27, 2005. I reached it three months ago, on November 26, 2005. So what can I say about the last three months? If I hadn't been struggling to stay on track, I'd probably be up 20 or 30 pounds. I've gotten rid of 15 pounds of the regain. I'm on track to get rid of more, way more.