Busy

I’ve been busy getting ready for my travels with Rachael and constantly up-dating my “to do” list for Matt for when I’m gone. This morning I had to do battle with a marauding herd of ants. They’d discovered the cat food. I thought I’d had this problem licked with the ant “hotels,” but . . . I think the black cased ones which we’ve been using for lo these many years work better than the white ones we bought the last time and that were over-due for a change anyway.

But this is a blog about weight not ants, so getting back to the theme: Busy as I’ve been, I haven’t had time for my daily walks. This has been what has tripped me up in the past. I enjoy walking, but I’m grossly inefficient with time. When I was a little girl, my mother used to call me “slow motion.” I have a memory of seeing a documentary a while ago in which a camera was able to speed up the motion of two starfish. In this speeded up version, it appeared that the two starfish were fighting with each other. I think that I am like the starfish. I live my life at a different speed than the rest of mankind. I experience myself as in normal motion while the rest of the world jets past me. Perhaps I’m on earth, yet enclosed in a space-time capsule moving close to the speed of light. I ‘m in your world but not of it and my time goes more slowly than yours. Except that doesn’t explain the grey hair and other signs of aging.

But this is not a blog about my use of time. Or is it? My point was that I haven’t had time to walk and that, in the past, this has ended my earnest attempts to lead a more healthful life. But not this time! I have persevered! Music has helped me. On Wednesday, I looked forward to listening to Peter Gabriel. Yesterday it was Gershwin and Dave Matthews. I haven’t yet decided what I'll listen to on my walk today, but I know I’ll enjoy it. The taskmaster in me nags at all the work I still must do. In my distorted mind, a walk seems self indulgent. I didn’t realize this until I just typed it.
Wow! And onwards.

On Habit Formation

I didn’t want to go for a walk today.  I went anyway.  I wanted to eat something after finishing my “allowed” 1 cup (120 grams) of Breyer’s light chocolate ice cream last night.  I did not.  In the first case, I didn’t make a decision to walk.  The decision would have been to not walk.  Such is the way that a habit is formed.  In the second case, I actively decided not to eat beyond my allotted daily points.  It was a little bit of a challenge to do this.  Hopefully in the days ahead, as decision piles upon decision, the challenge of this will diminish.  Changed behavior will make self discipline habitual.

A Contained Break

When I got on the scale this morning, I expected a slight gain. The last time I’d weighed myself was on Friday when the scale said 168.5, so I was prepared for 169 or even a (very temporary) 170. The reason: the North Beach Restaurant. I went there yesterday with Matt, Ben, Wendy, Narda, and Joe. These folks are my hubby, my son, his wife, and his in-laws.

The restaurant serves Italian food and has a reputation for excellent food. I’d already decided to take a responsible break from counting points for the meal there. I settled on broiled petrole served on a spinach salad. When I saw that everyone else was ordering salad with their entrees, I decided to try the polenta which was listed as a soup. The waiter’s description made it sound richer than I really wanted, but I was curious so went ahead with the order. I’d decided against wine with the meal. Demonstrating my great resolve, I instantly ordered a glass when three at our table opted for a bottle of chianti. I ate more bread than I should have, but it was so good that I’d do it again if presented the opportunity. I shared the polenta. Though I’d hoped others would have taken more of it, I finished the bowl. The leaves of the spinach salad were lightly coated in olive oil. I ate them all, pushing aside the pancetta which also came with it. I finished the petrole and tasted everyone else’s meals. I ate more bread. Reflecting on this all, I’d say that I was relatively prudent in my self indulgence. Yet, I expected a spike in the lbs.

Instead, the scale said 166.5 this morning. I’m sure the lower-than-expected weight is due to the walking that I’ve been doing. With the exception of yesterday, I’ve walked every day since making the commitment to do so about a week ago. Inspired by the number on the scale, I set out for a walk around noon today. The sky was a dull, sluggish gray. I discovered that it was drizzling when I got outside As I made my way down the hill, the drizzle became a light shower. Reasonably certain that I wouldn’t melt, I persevered. The weather gods turned off the faucet. I walked for about 45 minutes.

Thinking back to when I got rid of the 65+ lbs., I remember that exercise was an integral part of what I did. I think that I’ve made getting rid of the regain harder for myself by not getting my body moving these past many months. Yesterday I was able to contain my moderate self indulgence to the restaurant meal. This is a major accomplishment. I suspect that my daily walks are helping me modify my internal sense of a self. I am becoming a person who can enjoy an off-program meal without turning into a mindless eating machine for the rest of the day.

Walking Is Good

This morning, as I stood on the scale, I silently urged it to register no higher than 172 pounds. On Tuesday morning it had read 171, a half pound more than the previous day. Tuesday was a challenging day for me. I did a decent walk in the morning with purposeful shopping on tap for the rest of the day. As I stood at an entrance to the mall, great tiredness hit me with a thud. If I could have beamed myself home, I would have done so. Instead, I decided that something sweet was in order. A trek through Macy’s and the full length of the mall would get me to the food court. There my enjoyment of the forbidden could be leisurely and anonymous. Since my mall visit was purposeful, I forced myself to first look through the relevant departments at Macy’s. That I found nothing workable increased the urgency of my food court quest. That I needed to pass Mervyn’s on the way there ended that quest. I spent an eternity there, finding much, trying on more, ending up too exhausted to even make it to the food court. Packages in hand, I sleep walked to my car with a vision of the ice cream in our freezer dancing in my head. Somewhere between the mall and home the vision turned into an apple. I maintained the virtue of this vision until about 10:30 p.m. After that, I let myself slide into a binge. This is why I worried at the scale this morning.

But, first . . . I was sure that I’d be pursued by the binge monkeys on Wednesday. I also had decided on Tuesday night that I’d not walk on Wednesday. Exhausted, I’d give it a rest. And behold a miracle. I awoke on Wednesday tired, yet aware that I was in an on track mode as far as eating was concerned. At some point, I decided to do the 20 minute walk to which I’d committed myself. And . . . tad dah . . . today’s miracle: I got on the scale and the scale said 168. Suddenly I was a believer, or actually a believer reborn. I didn’t get to my walk until this afternoon, but I knew that come hell or high water, I’d do it. The weather helped. There is nothing like a beautiful Spring day to give me that final shove out the door. I walked for a little over an hour, up and down hills because I live in a hilly area, enjoying the chartreuse of someone’s brand new lawn, the fresh green tips of evergreens, one group of deer warily watching me as I passed by, another group ignoring me. I live in paradise. Heavenly music accompanied me. Today it was Pacibel’s Canon in D and other baroque music followed by Oscar Reynolds playing the flute, a gentle change from the techno which sometimes energizes me when I walk. With such weather and such music at such a wonderful time of the year, it isn’t hard to get back into the habit of walking.

Reinventing Myself Even Though I’m Tired to the Bones

Today there is an unusual sparkle in the sky. I believe that it is called The Sun. Although I’m still tired, I will push myself out the door to greet it. I will walk around Spring Lake before lunch. Onwards now with no excuses.

(later) A new routine: morning shower followed by an apple followed by a walk. One advantage of this is that it leaves me with more points later on than if I have my usual leisurely breakfast. Other advantages include the whole panoply of the benefits of exercise. I really have no excuse not to get out there and move the creaking bones on a day like this. Or actually on any day that’s not blizzard conditions. Unless (insert all valid and not so valid excuses here).

The point is that the approx. 40 minute walk was a pleasant one, that I felt somewhat more energized than if I’d let myself slide into lethargy, and that I’m back on track with what seems to be a workable new routine.

Tired to the Bones

I've been righteously tired and righteously undisciplined these past two days. Now, on Easter Sunday, I will rise to the occasion so to speak. This being a major holiday, it is an auspicious day for a new beginning. Magical thinking in a sense. Unfortunately, I'm still feeling tired. I'm reminded of a comment made in someone else's blog regarding the difficulty of getting back on track, that it's almost as hard as starting a "diet" to begin with. I don't think of what I'm doing as dieting, but absolutely agree with the comment. I want it to be easy. I have to be willing to do the difficult even when I'm tired to the bones.

(later) I took the easy way out. Tomorrow I will be self disciplined.

(l

A Break in the Rain

169 the last few mornings. It appears that 2 of the 5 pounds that I re-re-re-gained are real and solid flab. I'll work to get them and more off in the next several weeks.

A break in the rain yesterday. After returning from my glass class, I had the option of either painting the ark or going for a walk. I may regret it in the coming days, but I walked.

More Rain

I have just successfully downloaded Blogger for Word, a major accomplishment for this technophobe. Now, surrounded by rain like fish in an aquarium, Matt and I are going to build an ark.

Ah, The Lessons of the Blog

Yesterday the binge monkey pulled strongly at me. I did not succumb. Today the binge monkey retreated to his tree or cave or wherever it is that he hangs out on rainy days. It was relatively easy for me to stay on track this 4th consecutive day. Cheered on by inclement weather and other worthy excuses, I didn't walk nor do anything more strenuous than empty shredded papers into a large plastic bag. I accomplished much in the way of paperwork. One such accomplishment was transferring the last 4 months of my blog to Word, something I do in case something happens with blogger.com. I couldn't help but notice a few things as I did this. The first is that my spelling is pathetic. I seem to have been unaware that occasion is spelled with one "s," exercise with an "s" not a "z," and that it's sabotage not sabatage. Spell check, here I come! The other thing that stood out like an elephant at a Weight Watchers meeting is that I have numerous brilliant insights that I somehow forget when I most need to remember them. "Never make a food decision while sitting on the family room couch" was one of them. Another, made several times, is to not sabotage the next day's success by staying up too late the night before. Which is why, at 11:03 p.m., I'll end this now, on track and prepared to accomplish a 5th consecutive day of self disciplined eating tomorrow.

Errrg, I can spell check individual words, but not the entire document. Forgetaboutit!

FFR

I am getting friggin sick sick sick of the friggin friggin rain. Yet . . . I managed to go for a 20+ minute walk before the ffr started. Ffr rain is predicted for the next 7 to 10 days. Errrrg. If I can't manage a walk tomorrow, I may run up and down the stairs in my house.

I've been tired today, the result of spending to much time checking out other people's blogs late into the night. This is undisciplined and reckless since I know that fatigue enormously weakens my resolve. I've eaten massive quantities of what Weight Watchers considers zero point foods today. This is good considering that I really wanted to eat "just . . . ," the trigger food for all my binges. It's 5:10 p.m. now. The night remains. By tomorrow I will have laid the track for three successive days of food related self discipline. Wavering now could be fatal to achieving my goal. I cannot even consider the possibility of exceeding the 25 points I allow myself each day. DETERMINATION, despite the Ffr . . . or anything else, must be my inner core.

Rebuilding the Track

Last night Matt and I watched a tedious, but not entirely unenjoyable, video. Visions of cereal began to dance in my head. With about a half hour of the video remaining, I got up from the couch and told Matt to tell me how it ended. Later, he said I'd missed the best part. I awoke this morning having completed an entire day of self disciplined eating.

Last night, I added to a discussion about exercize on Kim's (Sir Man Boobs') wonderful blog. I made a committment to walk for at least 20 minutes a day. I considered adding "if it doesn't rain," but decided to give myself no excuses. I know 20 minutes a day is hardly adequate, but it's a start. Also, it is better than zero minutes. Also, exercize tends to strengthen my resolve. Spurred on by my committment, I went for a walk with my much more disciplined hubby today. Dark clouds hovered above us and a few sprinkles fell as well left the house. We walked for about 40 minutes with no further rain. It held off until after we'd returned home.

It's 6:48 p.m. I'm laying the track for a second day, for the week ahead and onwards.

Still Not Entirely Hopeless

It's just about 24 hours since my last post. I blew it shortly afterwards. My binge started with my usual lie, that I could "just have . . ." In this case, it was Fiber 1 and milk. It was off-plan and thus a risk, especially since I was tired and the weather was gloomy. I've been on track today, but the night poses its own challenges. At 172.5, I'm up 5 pounds since last week. I can not allow myself to even think about getting off track. Such thought initiates behavior that I can no longer tolerate.

Not Entirely Hopeless

It is easier to get off track than to get back on track. Last night was a disaster. Today I'm tired.
The odds of reigning myself back in control for the entire day and evening are slim. I hope to beat the odds.

The Morning After . . .

I didn't eat responsibly this past week-end. This morning's weight of 170 reflects this. For the most part, I don't regret my self indulgence. Now I'm back on track. The scale will reflect this in due time.