Shoulda Gone To Bed

Had I gone to bed at 10 p.m. last night, I would have successfully completed 5 days in a row of on track behavior. Shouldadunit. Instead, as I considered a sweet over-indulgence, I activated the river image from my previous post and saw myself pinned against a rock. I was too tired to struggle. I yielded to the first temptation, then the second, third, and fourth. I’d have gone on to a fifth if Matt hadn’t been present. I’d reached the end of what I could allow him to witness of my self destructiveness and I was too tired to continue it after he’d gone away. Fatigue both triggered and ended the binge.

Today is a numerically auspicious day for me. I like the number 27, especially starting on a Tuesday which I consider an odd numbered day. I further like the way 27 is bordered by the same even number when you write out the date, 6/27/06. I know this is all foolishness, but . . .

I face today with renewed energy and am back on track.

Off Track Navigation

I am disgusted with myself for perhaps the first time since I’ve regained the 65+ pounds. The binge upon which I embarked beginning Sunday night has been the most destructive binge I’ve foisted on myself in a very long time. It has been unpleasant. It has been painful. It has released me only to recapture me again. I have become a mouse being toyed with by a very shrewd cat.

I thought I’d gotten past the binge Tuesday afternoon only to have it ensnare me again after Matt and I returned from a night out in The City. Technically it was already Wednesday morning. After a decent night’s sleep, I was back on track, an achievement of some note. By nightfall I’d quietly slipped into further binging. The only thing that put a lid on it was my bloat from previous binging. Yesterday (Thursday) afternoon, after a healthful lunch that left me full, I again got on the starting line for another binge with a 650 gram hunk of watermelon. The 4 point price tag left me with minimal points for the evening. More importantly, as always, I wanted to keep on eating. I fought the urge until dinner after which I had 2 points remaining. When I’ve been careful with my use of points, I can enjoy a high point dessert and still remain on track. Last night the craving for ice cream topped rice cakes hit me with a vengeance. I munched on an apple instead. The craving lost none of its power. I told myself my usual lies, then snatched an early bed time without giving in to them. I fell asleep with an unspent point. Thursday is now thankfully behind me. I’m well into my second on track day.

Having written this, I want to write about a metaphor that helped me to contain a binge when I was at Ben and Wendy’s last week. It comes from a comment that Twice the Man made regarding my previous post about binge triggers. “It is easy to drive a car on a clear day,” he wrote, “but a pain to drive it on an ice covered road. Environment makes control easier or harder.”

I thought about this as I sat on a rock gazing at a river in the hills near Santa Cruz last Friday. Rachael and I had gone for a short hike. She was swimming and playing on the rocks. I envisioned driving through mud, negotiating my way on unpaved roads, maintaining control in difficult circumstances. As I did this, I realized that a missing element during my binges is time. At a gut level, time stands still for me when I binge. I’m in no-time where calories become meaningless or at least less weighty than in real time. The momentum of the binge is circular and conducive only to repetitive behavior. The only escape is to move forward, but the dynamics of the binge keep me trapped.

I thought about the dynamics of the river. Sometimes, as the river flows downward, the hydraulics of the water can cause the current to reverse itself, producing a churning motion. Kayakers call this a hole. Those with the skill can surf the hole. Those who don’t have the skill and haven’t managed to avoid the hole may find themselves taking an involuntary swim. Or they might find themselves caught in hydraulics that won’t let them go. Sometimes the force of the river slams against a rock. A kayaker who hasn’t steered clear of the rock may find himself and his boat trapped against it. It is hard to fight against the full force of the river.

The river moves forward whether or not I’m bonded to a rock. When I capsize, it maintains its forward motion. Even if I find myself at the mercy of merciless currents, it will not stop for me. Eventually I may succumb to the river. It’s current may pull me under and I may lack the skill and energy to bring myself up again. Forward motion will have become irrelevant to me.

The metaphor of the river ends with that fatal moment. Even the most destructive of my binges is highly unlikely to have such a dramatic consequence. Even when the power of the binge feels like it will overwhelm me, I remain a creature of time. Even as I feel trapped and overpowered, I am still moving forward.

I am the river, the entire expanse of it as well as each molecule of which the river is made. I am the rocks and the river bed, the leaves that fall into it, the banks which contain it, the living creatures that make their home in it. I am its impediments, its forward motion and its power. Movement is my natural state.

I am a kayaker on the river. I joyfully confront its challenges with skill and with grace.

Binge Triggers

As I write this, I have 2 complete days of food sanity behind me and am going for my 3rd. Yaaaaay! Unfortunately, I also have about 3 hours of Sudoku insanity behind me, but that’s another story. Except for the matter of my reckless use of time which could have more productively been spent in other pursuits such as walking.

Kim made an excellent comment regarding my last post:

Prevention is better than cure. If you know what triggers the binge
then it's easier to avoid the trigger than it is to stop the binge once
it's underway.

Obviously "easier" is a relative term. Really it should be "there's at least
a possibility of being able to avoid the trigger, whereas there's
virtually no possibility of stopping once it's underway."

I'm only a passive victim once I've had the trigger. Up to that point
I can learn the techniques for resistance/ avoidance/ distraction.

I agree with Kim to a large extent. When I find myself binging in the controlled environment of my usual routine, I can usually identify a trigger that I could have avoided or with which I could have dealt more effectively. The biggest challenges that I’ll be facing in the days/weeks/months ahead are with triggers that will be operative outside my usual routine. In one case, I’ll be spending a couple of nights at my son’s house. Ben and his wife are very health conscious and the meals that we share will reflect this. The difficulty for me will be the break in my routine coupled with the 2 hour drive to and then from their house. I’ll prepare myself by bringing with me foods that will help me stay on course, but . . . Ahhh the challenge of it all! The temptations! The ease with which I yield to them! Some of our meals together may be restaurant meals. Again, the temptations! I so much like being able to fit the foods I eat into my Weight Watcher daily points’ allocations. I think of Twice the Man’s “cheat days.” I think also of my decision to allocate a certain number of points for meals out without actually counting the points involved. Can I sustain such a sensible way of dealing with eating over the course of several days?

I have to remember that I AM IN CONTROL. Whether I choose to use that control for food sanity or give it up for the ease of the moment is up to me. On Monday my weight had reached 173.5. This morning the scale’s number was 170.5. This does NOT indicate a 3 pound loss in 2 days. The higher number reflects the effect of a 28 hour binge. Even so, I’ll be visualizing these 2 numbers as I confront the challenges before me. My lapses of self control have real consequences. 173 and higher can become my “new normal.” Prior to departing for Spain, I’d reached 164. It’s my goal to get back there and lower in the next couple of months. IT IS UP TO ME (even though it’s way more difficult than I’d like it to be).

Enough

Good eating behavior after writing my blog on Thursday and then again on Friday brought my weight to 170 pounds. Despite some way out of control eating on Saturday night, the scale again registered 170 on Sunday morning. Having written “out of control,” I now pause. The phrase is a cop out. It implies that I’m a passive victim of a force outside of myself. “Hey, I was just standing there minding my own business when out-of-controlness hurled itself at me. There was nothing little ole me could do to stop it.” “Take back the power,” my stronger self screams. I can’t allow myself to be passive in this struggle. This morning, after heavy binging all day Sunday, the number on the scale was 173.5. Enough of this nonsense.

The Next 7 or 8 Hours

Thursday 5/11/06: left for Spain; weight 164.5 pounds
Sunday 6/4/06: returned home
Monday 6/5/06: 171 pounds
Thursday 6/8/06: 173 pounds

I’m at a critical juncture right now, so far off track that I’m not even sure that I can find the station. On the trip home from Spain, I considered discontinuing this blog. I thought of finding a newer and shinier way to re-energize my weight control efforts. Then I saw that my last post had 7 comments. Thank you Kim, White Rose Boy, Spider 63, Twice the Man, Texas Gal, Melting Princess, and Sir Squishy. I’m going to conquer this thing and your being there is a big part of how that’s going to happen.

I returned from my trip only a pound above the maximum weight that I’d “allowed” myself. The gain would have been more if I hadn’t fallen to the sidewalk about a week into the trip. My self discipline was in shambles at this point and the fall began a chain of events that turned eating into a chore rather than a pleasure. The pain from the fall was so severe that I thought that we’d have to cancel the rest of our trip. Instead, I got some Tylenol with codeine, available in Spain without a prescription. Fortified with the codeine, I was able to attend a flamenco performance the following night. There I ordered a whiskey and coke that had me wondering if whiskey is cheaper than coke in Spain. Strong does not even begin to describe the drink. In combination with the codeine I’d taken, the effect was corrosive. A mega-mighty case of heartburn kept me up all night and sidelined me the following day. Eating was such an unpleasant task that I ate very little for the next 5 days or so. This was a good/bad outcome for me. On the one hand, I was pretty miserable; on the other, this put the brakes on the binge that had blossomed and begun taking root in the previous days. I found myself seriously wondering whether I’d opt for such pain as a way to limit my food intake. I decided I’d prefer the challenges with which I struggle. Today I’m not so sure. In any case, at the 2/3 point of my Spain visit, my weight was up by only about 2 pounds. Feeling better, I added about 5 pounds in the course of the next 8 days.

It is now 4 days since I’ve been home. During this time, I’ve managed to add an additional 2 pounds to my weight. I realize that some of the weight that I’ve gained will most probably come off quickly if I immediately get back on track. I also realize that my weight will continue to go up if I don’t immediately get back on track. I am not set well for today. I got so out of control with grapes and cherries earlier that the only way I’d stay within my daily points’ allocation today is to restrict what I eat for the rest of the day to a degree which would be intolerable for me. In other words, such a restriction would be the impetus for more binging. My best option is to forget about it. The insanity of my relationship to food is that I can so easily use my over-indulgence in some fruit to sabotage my success. Why do I do this? It’s madness. Yet this is the way it so often happens. I go off course in some relatively innocuous manner and then pitch the whole healthful eating plan. Having a lapse of self control, I give up control entirely. This makes no sense. Having written this, I recommit to food sanity for at least the rest of the day and night.

There are dragons in the weeks and months ahead, occasions that will challenge my self control. Breaks from the routine do that. I’ll give future dragons no further thought for today. My big goal is to make it through until tomorrow staying “on program.”

And, starting tomorrow, I’m going to get back to daily walks too.
And affirmations.

It is 3:47 p.m. as I write this. I’ll be awake for the next 7 or 8 hours. I need to complete this day successfully. And I will.