Four Weeks Until Playa Time

My life now revolves around Burning Man prep.  I’ll be leaving in exactly four weeks.  I was pretty much in control on Thursday, the 27th day of the month and therefore a number I like, but last night I got bingey again.  Today is a new start.

This morning I weighed 170.5.  The scale was kind to me.  I won’t be surprised if the number gets higher in the next few days even with my being on track.  My goal is to weigh 165 or less when I leave for the desert.  With my decision to enjoy my time there with as much booze and as many pretzels as I want, I know I’ll gain weight on the playa.  I’ll start going back to Weight Watcher meetings when I return.  With all the pros and cons of counting points etc., the fact of the matter is that I got rid of 65+ lbs. when I was going to those silly meetings.  Right now I’m 15 pounds less than I was 10 months ago. During this time, I’ve probably lost and regained at least 50 additional pounds.  I’m not discounting the 15 pounds.  I’m focusing on how tenuous my efforts have been.  Instead of consistently going in the downward direction, as I did when I got rid of the 65+ pounds, I’ve been yo-yoing it. If history is prologue, I can expect more of the same.

I’m in a transitory place right now.  Four weeks till Burning Man, then the festival itself, then a return to – what?  Real life?  That sounds pretty screwy to me.  In any case, right now I want to act from the side of myself that is strong, competent, and goal-oriented.  And transitory place or not, I can do this!

Struggling

Matt and I took our RV (and cats) to Mission Bay for a week and a half. I managed to undo much of the progress I've made. I'd forgotten how easily munching turns into non-stop munching. We've been back since late Saturday night. I still haven't gotten myself back in control. Perhaps I'll have greater success tomorrow.

I'm in Burning Man mode right now, overwhelmed with projects I still want to complete. It's all good, all exciting. My blog entries may be limited, even non-existent. The Man burns in 39 days.

Will This Satisfy Me?

I’ve made a delightful discovery. It seems that I actually changed my eating habits during my journey from 192 to 127 pounds. The fact that I regained all but 7 of the pounds I got rid of doesn’t change this fact. This has become apparent to me as I’ve continued to follow the recommendation Lord Chubalot made in response to my June 27 post. As I wrote in my last post, I’m no longer limiting the healthful choices I make because of the fear that I’ll blow through my daily points’ allocation. Yesterday morning the scale said 166.5; today 168 (normal fluctuation). I seem to be getting rid of the pounds by eating in the way that has become routine for me on “on track” days.

When I initially got rid of the 65+, I focused on my behavior rather than on the pounds I lost each day, week, or month. My attitude was that if I followed the (Weight Watchers) program, the weight would take care of itself. The attitude that seems appropriate for now is that, if I avoid bingeing, the weight will take care of itself. Of course this includes the caveat of healthful eating as described in my last post. Since my eating habits have become healthful, except when I’m binging, this is not a major caveat for me.

The humongous issue for me is bingeing. I want to focus on the role of satisfaction in this. If I am satisfied by what I eat, I’m less likely to get into binge mode than if I’m unsatisfied. With prior planning, I can enjoy a rich chocolate dessert at Citizen Cake without spurring a binge. If I yield to the seduction of a Twinkie, I’m done for. With Burning Man less than 2 months away, I’ve been thinking a lot about this in the past few days. Connie will probably be bringing a large birthday cake for our Thursday potluck. Since this is more Twinkie than Citizen Cake and will also be served in a potluck situation, it’s binge monkey food. A question that encapsulates a binge strategy is this: Will this satisfy me? An apple tart served at Fleur de Lys, yes! One chocolate chip cookie served anywhere, no! A measured serving of Breyers’ ice cream late in the evening, yes! A single scoop of Baskin Robbins rocky road ice cream eaten in the car, no! A double scoop, no! A triple scoop, maybe, but I’ll be in binge mode and ready to eat the world a little later on.

Will this satisfy me? The binge monkey is listening.

Coming to Terms With the Binge Monkey

Today I've been struggling with the urge to eat Trader Joe's High Fiber Cereal. This is something that I allow myself to eat in measured amounts. This morning I had 140 grams of frozen peaches mixed with 170 grams of low fat yogurt and topped with 40 grams of of TJ's HFC. For lunch I had 140 grams of frozen blueberries mixed with 225 grams of nonfat cottage cheese and topped with another 40 grams of TJ's HFC. I've been fighting the urge for more TJ's HFC. An unmeasured huge bowl. This would tempt the binge monkey.

Last night, I had a medium sized bowl of the stuff following an ample dinner. The binge monkey let me slide. I was able to walk away and hide in bed with a novel until I could legitimately rise for my somewhat deserved sweet indulgence. But I know that I can't begin a pattern of tempting the binge monkey.

The binge monkey and I are coming to terms in large part because of a comment Lord Chubalot made to my previous post. In that comment, which I first dismissed, Lord Chubalot suggested that I forget about tracking weight for awhile and instead track my binges. What has emerged as this idea has evolved for me is a whole new way of dealing with food. I continue to weigh my food (and myself). I continue to eat the same sorts of things I've been eating before on my on track days. What I'm doing differently is not recording my daily points or the points I've consumed at each meal. I'm allowing myself a mid-afternoon piece of fruit if I really want it. I'm allowing myself an ear of corn without trying to figure how it will effect my daily points. I'm allowing myself 120 grams of Breyers' ice cream before I go to bed without having to calculate the number of points contained in the homemade soup I had for dinner. These new freedoms, within the framework of 3 meals, a late afternoon snack, and an evening dessert, mean that an on track day could be one in which I consume 28 or 29 points. At such a level, I will lose weight very slowly and may not be able to get down to my goal weight. This is not good. On the other hand, my recent high of 173 put me back to my weight of 12/3/04 after Matt and I returned from our 3 month RV trip. It also put me 8 1/2 pounds higher than my most recent low of 164.5 (5/9/06) . Given this pattern, getting rid of the weight very slowly is not a bad thing at all. Beyond that, while I'm free to consume more points than I've previously allowed myself, I certainly don't have to.

Lord Chubalot suggested that I look to the sources of my binges. One of which I've been aware seems to be more intense than I'd realized. I DON'T LIKE having to limit myself. At a very primitive level I'm enraged that I can't eat in abundance whatever I want to eat whenever I want to eat it. Without consequences of course. The binge monkey and I haven't completely worked this out. But we have agreed that I can have corn on the cob for dinner without having to give up something else.

Lord Chubalot was right about tracking my binges. Staying on track, except for the binges, is not difficult for me. I like fruits and vegetables. I don't normally choose high fat foods. Even my binges have been frequently triggered by foods that are healthful. Such things as apples and high fiber cereal. The modifications I've made to the way I'm defining an on track day eliminate the binge trigger of scarcity. If I can have that 4 p.m. apple, I don't have to choose between deprivation and staying on track. I therefore don't allow that part of me which is healthy to be taken over by that which is infantile, greedy, and insatiable.

For the last week, I've considered a binge free day to be and on track day. Yesterday morning the scale said 168 pounds. The binge monkey and I seem to have come to terms. As you can see, he's no longer on my back. He may climb back on when I feel too tired to deal with him, but I think my new tools may get him to loosen his grip.