Getting Back on A Roll

The theme of today's Weight Watcher meeting was "getting on a roll" or some such thing. The analogy was of a car with a flat tire. What is needed to fix the tire? How does one avoid such driving hazards as potholes? How does one get back on a roll after being side-lined?

For me, right now, the most pertinent answer is: Just do it! Just choose competence over self indulgence. Stop telling and believing the lies that gently lead me into the hideous binges into which I've been joylessly pitching myself. On the Weight Watcher scale, I am now a delicate 192; at home, 189.5. My fat jeans no longer fit me. It is time to turn this around.

GEFL

First, thanks to all of you who've hung in there with me since my last post. Since then, I've gone with Matt to New York for his consultation at Sloan Kettering. For updates on that you can check my Matt Update blog.

I may appear to have drown since my last post (entitled Swimming Towards the Shore). Actually, I've just drifted further out to sea, at least with regard to my eating. I've certainly used Matt's illness as an excuse for this in the past, something I thought about at Monday's Weight Watchers meeting. The focus of the meeting was on the masks and roles that we take on in our lives. This led me to think about my current role of Cancer Patient's Wife. As I reflected on this days later, I realized that I've become the Good Excuses Fat Lady (GEFL). I imagined a cartoon fat lady carrying a bouquet of balloons each stamped with an excuse for gluttony.

On the positive side, I've continued going to Weight Watchers. Also, I've been taking walks almost daily for the last week. This morning I took my shower, had a less leisurly breakfast than I've been allowing myself, and then walked around Spring Lake. This will become my routine.

This morning, at 189 pounds, I weighed more than I have at any time since getting rid of the 65+ pounds. I am now only 3 pounds less than I was when I began that successful weight loss journey 5 years ago. On 10/22/01, I was certain that I'd get rid of the weight. I don't have that certainty today. The message that I repeated to myself then still holds true. All I need to do is follow the program. The weight will take care of itself. Tomorrow night I'll be facing the challenge of a Halloween party. This will be an opportunity for me to show myself that I can do it.

Swimming Towards the Shore

I went to a Weight Watchers meeting on Monday that flipped my head around and firmly towards my goal. Despite my last optimistic post, I slid into a brief binge on Sunday night. On Monday morning, I was toying with the idea of waiting until Tuesday to Really Get On Track. A Tuesday dated 10/10/2006 seemed more auspicious to me than a Monday dated 10/9/06. I know this is irrational and nuts. More importantly, it hasn't worked for me. Yet, prior to going to Weight Watchers, I ate my usual muffin followed by a hefty chunk of watermelon and a couple of handfuls of crackers. I arrived at the Weight Watcher meeting with the beginnings of a binge shadowing me. The effect of the meeting was transformative.

Marie, the lecturer, began the meeting with the story of a woman who'd swum ( swimmed??) the English Channel. Her goal was to be the first woman to swim from the California coast to Catalina Island. She'd been at it for about 17 hours and was feeling the effects of the very cold water. Her body felt numb. Dense fog made seeing the shore impossible. Exhausted, she gave up and boarded the boat that accompanied her. On board, she learned that she had been only 1/2 mile from the shore. "I could have done it," she said, "if I had only known how close I was to the shore." On a subsequent try, she succeeded and beat the record for the time it took to make that swim. Her story became a metaphor for the goal of losing weight; the fog, a metaphor for those things which get in the way of our achieving this goal. At one point we were asked to list our reasons for wanting to get rid of the lbs.

The image of swimming toward the shore is a strong one for me. Also, for a number of reasons, I find that I really want to be seen by the lecturer and the other Weight Watcher members as a competent, strong, successful, at goal person. Objectively this is a silly goal, but it's worked for me in the past. When I was on the road to losing the 65+ pounds, I fantasized about standing before the group telling them how I'd gotten to my goal weight.

There was something else. One of the other members, who was receiving recognition for having lost 25 pounds, said that she was tracking her points more regularly. She'd been doing it for only 2 days a week, she said, and now was doing it 5 days a week. When I got rid of the 65+ pounds, I tracked 7 days a week. I was always "on program." Consistently. At some level, I've been waiting for a time when I could be consistent in all respects. I've been waiting for my life to return to a routine. By getting back on track after my morning indulgence on Monday, I kicked routine and consistency in the ass. This is good. The weeks ahead will be extremely challenging and off-the-charts not routine.

I remember forging through great challenges when I got rid of the 65+ pounds. In one case, Matt and I spent a week at the Alisal Ranch where meals were included in our stay. The dinners were gourmet and included outstanding desserts. I asked for fruit. I was so on-track that this was really not such a great challenge after all. Being on track was who I was.

As I face the over-the-top challenges of the weeks ahead, I'm imagining a different recent history. I'm seeing myself again as a person who's on track as a matter of course. I am swimming towards the shore.

I Am Back

I stayed "on program" yesterday. Before lunch, Matt and I took an (approx.) 40 minute walk. I envision clothes getting looser. My "fat" jeans are probably too tight for me now. (I don't know for sure because I don't want to try to squeeze into them). As the days, weeks, and months of success accumulate, they will fit me easily and then be far to big. This will happen.

Another New Start

10/7/2006: 107=1+0+7=8 2006=2+0+0+6=8 8=8
My weight: 184.5
Do I need it to be 188 or 888?
She's playing with numbers again.
I still have never reached the weight I was before I got rid of the 65+ pounds.
I'm 1/2 pound less than I was this time last year.
I can't blame Matt's diagnosis for the extent to which I've piled on the lbs. recently.
I've enjoyed the binge way to much.
Today is a new start!

Good Blogspot

I was whining about Blogspot in my last post. It turns out that my problems were most probably my own fault. I discovered this when I wrote new posts which showed up in my dashboard, but not in the actual blog. I even started a couple of new blogs since I thought that there was an internal problem in this and the Matt-Update one. I was able to set these blogs up, but only the first post showed up on the actual blog. As in this blog, new posts showed up only on the dashboard.

Then . . . ta daaaaaaaaah . . . a Miracle. I joined the blogger help group
(http://groups.google.com/group/blogger-help) and learned that I probably had a cache problem. I didn't even know I had a cache to begin with. I was advised to put my blog's address with a question mark in the "Go" box to get to the version of my blog that everyone else sees. Behold! Everything showed up as I have it in my dashboard. This proved that the problem was in My Computer and was most probably a cache problem. Then I followed the (very clear) directions to clear my cache. My problem was solved.

I am now most grateful to the Blogspot team. Besides solving the posting problem, I new feel more competent to deal with computer gliches in general. This is pretty major for me. I sometimes have difficulty understanding directions and those involving technical information are particularly intimidating.

As to my weight issues, I've been having the type of dreams that initiated my earlier successful run to my goal weight. I'm also recognizing for the 856th time that exercize tends to promote my self discipline. I've simply got to get back to even minimal exercize. The challenge is to Do It even when I'm feeling tired, exhausted, sluggish, etc. Just Do It!

Weight Watchers

First a note about Blogspot. Errrrrrrrrrg. It's not letting me make corrections to published blogs. It's doing weird things with spacing and letter size when I try to publish from Word, something I've done successfully in the past. Also, I inadvertently obliterated an old post and tried to revive it through cut and past republishing. Instead, Blogspot made a 2nd copy of my last post. I don't want to erase this copy because it has people's comments on it. When I go to my dashboard and pull up this same post, it has the text of my original comments. Finally, for now at least, it is indicating zero comments where comments exist. Errrrrrg. I'm writing directly on the Blogspot site right now and am assuming I won't be able to make corrections.

I attended a Weight Watcher meeting yesterday. This is with the same lecturer, Marie, whose meeting I attended last week when I came in with a 2 pound gain. Again, I racked up another 2 pounds. I'd told Marie last week about Matt's leukemia and my intention to minimize my gain if I couldn't stabalize my weight or actually get rid of some of the pounds. She was supportive in a quiet way. Yesterday she treated my gain lightly, matter-of-factly saying, "You're up two pounds," like it was no big deal. I think this response is how she deals with people when they gain weight, not just with me because of Matt's situation. I like this. It's a response that feels non-judgemental, non-intrusive, non-cliched, and safe. I find myself wanting to come in with a weight loss next week. I'm allowing myself to transfer some power to Marie (transference). I want her to see me succeeding. When I lost the 65+ pounds, I envisioned myself at goal, telling the Weight Watcher members about how I'd achieved success. I'm beginning to play with this kind of fantasy.

With regard to food, I've decided to more-or-less follow the Core program. This is one of 2 Weight Watcher programs, the other being the Flex program on which I'd previously lost weight. With Core, one does not have to keep track of points. Instead, one eats unmeasured amounts of "core" food and up to 35 points/week of non-Core food.

A final note: I have set up a separate blog dealing with Matt's leukemia. The easiest way to access it is, I believe, by going to my profile page.