Christmas Cards

There is an idea that is spreading in the blogosphere which I particularly like. I got it from Cory who got it from Jeannie who got it from Anne. Following their example, I'm inviting my on-line friends to be included on my Christmas card list. This seems like a fun way to have a real world connection with on-line friends. If you're interested, send an e-mail with your address to
arlenewkw@sbcglobal.net. And, happy holiday season everyone!

DAY ONE (again)

I pretty much followed my Thanksgiving eating strategy, but have been self indulgent and lazy since then. This changes today.

Pre-Thanksgiving

One of my blog friends, Tigerlilly, has been using an abbreviation which I like. She refers to days on which she's stayed within her points allocation as "PD." For example, today she is working on PD#5. I'm going to borrow this usage from her.

Yesterday would have been PD#4 for me if I hadn't yielded to that first temptation. As usual, it snuck up on me. Okay, I once again believed my own lie. Having finished both dinner and dessert, I told myself that I could use some of my weekly bonus points for a Trader Joe's roll. It was about 10:30 p.m. at the time. From there, I went on to the cereal and such. By then, I stopped counting the extra points.

I had planned to have all 35 of my weekly points available for Thanksgiving. Having sabotaged that plan, what was my brilliant plan for today? To start the day with a red light breakfast of course. And then, behold, I thought of the poem that Adrienne, a Weight Watcher lecturer, read to us. It is a perseverance poem called "Start Over" There are a number of versions to it and the one to which I've linked is about weight loss. With that in mind, the day became new.

I feel like the binge monkey is close at hand, but so far I am on track. After writing this, I'll have a desserty lunch consisting of one of my favorite combinations: yogurt mixed with frozen fruit and topped with Trader Joe's High Fiber Cereal. After that, I'll be engaged in a task out in the world that will leave me somewhat vulnerable to the binge monkey. I'll resist his seduction. When we return home, I'll put in 40 minutes on the elliptical cross trainer. Hopefully that will strengthen my self discipline. If I blow it tonight, Thanksgiving will most likely become a pig out day. At that point, Thanksgiving will be more about eating and less about appreciating my wonderful family. I need to remember that.

With the Help of My (On-Line) Friends

Sometimes I amaze myself with my own brilliance – especially when it’s partnered with my blindness to the obvious. I have collected another Brilliant Insight (BI) which I can add to the dusty BI Collection which sits unused in the basement of my brain as I storm from binge to binge.

I actually got this BI when I reflected on a comment I made in reaction to Sir Squishy’s recent post entitled “Broken Record.” “Unfortunately, food can be self medicating,” I wrote. “I feel bad and food comforts - even if I'm feeling bad because of what I ate just moments before.” After I wrote this, I realized that one factor in my uncontrollable binging is that I’m using food to blunt my bad feelings about going off track in the first place. Instead of getting immediately back on track, I feel like I have to somehow “complete” the binge.

This afternoon, the scale’s verdict was 188.5 lbs. From one perspective, I’ve maintained my weight of 3 weeks ago. More accurately, I’ve been intermittently “on program” and wildly self indulgent.

On the more positive side, I’ve been doing better with incorporating exercise into my life. I’ve continued taking walks around Spring Lake and have also been using the Elliptical Cross Trainer that I recently purchased regularly. Today was the first time that I’ve used the heart rate monitor that comes with the ECT. I tried to keep my heart rate at 84% of what they describe as the maximum. I had the delightful experience of discovering that I’ve been pushing myself too hard. It was wonderful to be able to slow down and know that I was working out effectively. And I totally loved being able to work out while listening to music from The Lord of The Rings sans headphones.

In Sir Squishy’s post to which I referred earlier, Sir S. wrote that his new motto is “Take Charge.” I’ve decided to use those words to empower myself as well. I’m also motivated by what Sir Chubalot wrote about me on his blog: “Lady Lean is having a heck of a time of it.” Next time Sir C. does an “Old Knights” update, I hope he’ll be able to report that Lady Lean is doing a superb job in working towards her goal.

I’ve decided to be more generous in my use of Weight Watcher points. I’ve been allowing myself no more than 25 daily points. Instead, I’ll follow the WW recommendation for my current weight. This consists of 24 daily points and 35 extra weekly points. I think that these extra points will help me “Take Charge.” Also, they will make staying “on program” through the holidays easier. As my weight goes down, I’ll have fewer points available to me. By then my self discipline should be more muscular.

Thanks you my on-line friends for “being there.” Your encouragement helps me continue to press onwards.

A Post I Don't Want to Write

Two of my favorite bloggers have not been posting lately. Twice the Man has made his blog private and Texas Girl hasn't posted since October 24th. I don't really feel like posting right now either. I've lost the focus of my last post. I didn't go for my walk around the lake Wednesday and haven't done so since then. Simultaneously, I have been self indulgent with food. The correlation between the two is obvious yet, for now, I'm not working up the determination "get on with it."

Matt and I have ordered an eliptical cross trainer. It's an expensive one. I'll be using it daily if only to avoid feeling guilty for wasting the money. I lack the determination for appropriate behavior today, yet I imagine a tomorrow of inner strength.

I'm feeling lightly depressed, clinically depressed, the type of depression that is energy depleting. I'm reconsidering going to Weight Watchers. I think it would be wise to continue. I also don't want to go. At this moment I think the wiser self will prevail. I don't feel like continuing the blog. It has become a testimony to my failure. Yet, I find myself writing this post. I feel a sense of loss with regards to my blogging friends that have disappeared into the e-zone. I imagine that they are not doing well with the goals that they've set for themselves. For now my feelings of loss compel me to behave differently. I've been very fortunate to have developed links with some caring people. I don't want to break or weaken them.

Tomorrow perhaps I'll be stronger.

Or perhaps I'll get more in touch with my feelings of gratitude for all that is good in my life.
In some ways I'm a spoiled, pouty brat allowing myself to get distracted by that which is negative in my life right now. For now I don't have the energy to resist my own self indulgence.

Hallelujah

The binge monkey put a gun to my head last night and made me stay up into the wee hours eating cereal. Like Eve's snake, he first presented me with an apple that turned out to be mushy and some canteloupe that was on its way to rot. Although I was low in points, he coaxed me to finish both because of starving children in far away lands. My disappointed palette cried out for something more. A Weight Watcher Smoothie found its way to me. Moments later, I heard the call of cereal. It was at this point that the B.M. took out the gun.

However . . . my earnest behavior the rest of the week brought my weight back to 185 at home and 188.2 at Weight Watchers. I'm still very far from shore, but at least I'm no longer so helplessly adrift. (When the gun comes out again, I'll flee to the safety of my bed!)

Because . . .

I am back
On the minus track
Can we have some music please?
And a drum roll.
And a loud and fervent shout of Hallelujah!!

Timing Is Everything

For this morning’s breakfast, I had a ricotta cheese sandwich. This is something I wanted very much yesterday afternoon when it would have been binge monkey food. The ground was fertile for a binge; I had a plethora of good excuses. I sat on the family room couch, deficient in points and wanting, more than anything else, a slice of Trader Joe’s Multigrain Bread. This morphed into TJ’s High Fiber Cereal and then into the full sandwich with ricotta cheese and low calorie jam. I could do this, I told myself, have the sandwich and also end up with enough points for the evening. Except it was a lie. I know the sound of a prelude to a binge.

I decided to check out my blog to see if there were any comments on my last post. And behold, there were several. I was pleased and wanted to be able to report continued success in my next post. I also still wanted to eat the bread. I thought about what Don and Kim had said about giving myself permission to do something that I don’t normally do. This was a bit of a challenge since I’m at a time in my life when I can be fairly self indulgent in that regard. Then the obvious hit me. It was a grey, rainy, cold day and I was tired. I wanted to read in bed. I fell asleep reading a Newsweek article.

With the binge at least temporarily held at bay, I woke up to the continuing challenge of insufficient points to get me comfortably through the hours until bedtime. Feelings of deprivation have triggered binges in the past. I decided to allow myself to eat as if I wasn’t a points’ pauper. Before I consumed anything, I recorded what I’d be eating and the points involved. At 31 points for the day, I am still on target for the week. Yaaaaaaaaaay.

I have today and then the weekend before my next Weight Watchers’ meeting. I’m feeling like I can make this my first successful week in a very long time.

It’s A Beginning

I’ve kept to my allotted points these past 2 days.  I have also walked around Spring Lake at a brisk pace each day.  Today will be Day 3 in both regards.  My motivating image is of me standing on the Weight Watchers’ scale with my first real weight loss since returning.  “I’m back,” I say in this little fantasy.  And I’m feeling confident and strong.