Happy New Year

As some of you know, I like certain numbers and have even regarded some as auspicious, though they haven't proved to be so as concerns my goal to get rid of the friggin regain. 2007 is bound to be an awesome year, first because it contains the number 7, second because the 7 is preceded by the number 2. Besides the attractiveness of this combination, it is also in alignment with my goal weight of 127. Message to Arlene: It's not about auspicious numbers. It's about taking back the power. More about that in future posts.

I haven't spent much time at the computer lately. I hope to do so some time this week-end or on Monday when hubby Matt will be watching football. When I get back on line, catching up on the blogs of my blog friends will be my first priority. I'm looking forward (still) to reading about Mick's San Francisco experiences. Also, how everyone has been doing.

I wish all of you the best. May the days, weeks, and months ahead bring you what you most want in your lives. May you find within yourselves the power to bring these things into your life. May those things over which you have little or no control work out in ways that serve your best interests. And may this be true for everyone.

It's All About Me!

It's all about me. Really it is!

I've spent some time thinking about my motivation for getting rid of the weight and the challenges which I allow to sabatage that goal. At the moment, I'm writing from the perspective of completing my first on target week in a very long time followed by a day and a half of abusive self indulgence. As to the challenges, I've come to realize that it is not the special occassions, the holidays, restaurant meals or even travel that have brought me to my current bulk. The ordinary day coupled with fatigue has shredded my resolve more consistently and with greater ease than any of these things.

In an earlier post, I mentioned my plans to participate in Santa Con, an awesome San Francisco bar crawl and opportunity to gift random strangers. Except for the Jim Beam buzz I nurtured all day, Santa Con proved to be no real stumbling block for my good intentions. Once it was over, though, I scavenged for sweets before returning to my hotel. This makes sense only if additional calories don't count on days during which calorie consumption has already reached stratospheric levels. I seem to believe that this is true. It is not.

I also mentioned that I'd be meeting blogger friend, Mick, in The City and wondered how I'd handle the culinary temptations that I'd find there. As it turned out, I ordered a fairly on track lunch and temptations didn't stalk me. Not at all. I SEARCHED THEM OUT!

Why? Why? Why? And how does this relate to my saying that ordinary days pose more of a challenge to me than those that break with my routine? The truth is that I can negotiate the non-ordinary fairly easily once I've got a history of success behind me. I came to Santa Con and my day in The City without the armour of such a history.

Christmas, or as Kim says, Feastmas, is the day after tomorrow. At this point, I can arm myself with two days of on track behavior. As I did onThanksgiving, I intend to make the day about being with the people with whom I'll be celebrating rather than about the food. Beyond this, though, the reality is that celebration eating has contributed very little to my current bulk.
What I do on the ordinary day and days after Christmas is far more important. After Christmas, there are other eating occassions. A brief trip to Los Angeles and Carnival in Austin with my SCARAB friends come to mind. I couple of years ago, I avoided a SCARAB get together much closer to my home because I was afraid of the havoc it might wreck on my weight loss intentions. No more!

It is not about Santa Con or a day in The City. It is not about vacations or Carnival. It really is about me. It is about my internal strength. It is about me dealing with blinding fatigue without stuffing my face. It is about me understanding that my desire for something sweet can easily become insatiable, a topic for another post.

It is also about MY motivation to get rid of the pounds. When I'm tired and when I'm craving either sweets or cereal, my motivation gets slushy. This is something which I need to consider in another post. One thing that I've realized, though, is that my motivation is mostly self centered. Which is to say, that it's not about how other people view me as a fat person as I wrote about a month ago. It may be that some people who are of normal weight harshly judge those of us who are fat. At this point in my life, this is minimally relevant if relevant at all. These judges have little if any impact on my life. It's how I experience myself as a fat vs. thin person that matters. It's about my being able to attribute to myself the characteristics of self discipline, strength, and integrity. It's about my being able to easily navigate class 3 rapids. It's about my enjoyment of clothing and costumes in ways not possible at my current weight.

Earlier, I mentioned meeting my blogger friend Mike. Having read his blog for awhile, I was delighted to find him to be pretty much the person I expected. I had a little difficulty understanding his Yorkshire accent at first, but I became attuned to it after a while. It turned out to be an interesting and fun experience, one that makes me hopeful that I'll eventually meet some of my other blogger friends.

I end this with the hope that all my blogger friends and readers have a wonderful Christmas (whether or not you actually celebrate the holiday). Also that the year ahead is a good one for you. And for people all over the world. And for our planet.

On Target Week 2

I have just completed a 46 minute workout on the ECT* and am ready to begin a successful OTW.** My weight stats came full circle last week starting at 189, dipping to 183.5, and ending at 189, a figure that probably includes about 4 pounds of bloat. Enough of looking back. As Walt Whitman wrote in a poem I once memorized, "Let the dead past bury the dead." My direction is onwards.

In my newly created chart to the left, I list a day in The City as an upcoming challenge. On Wednesday, I'll be meeting one of my blog friends, Mick, for lunch, doing some shopping, and spending some time with my son who works downtown. I think I can be fairly disciplined at lunch, but may find myself struggling with The City's many culinary temptations afterwards. I'm not sure how I'll fend them off. As I write this, I find myself floating in a sea of uncertainty.

I suppose my best preparation will be on track behavior today and tomorrow. Also making the time to do a good workout on the ECT before I leave for The City. And to use those powerful tools which, along with my brilliant insights, are gathering dust. An assignment comes to mind: I will write about my planned day in The City later today or tomorrow. I will write about successfully mastering the likely challenges. I will write it as the strong and self disciplined person that I know I can be.

When I began to write about my upcoming challenge, I had planned to note that every ordinary day is a challenge to me. The challenges come suddenly. They snuggle up close and then they bite. But enough for now. I will perservere.

*eliptical cross trainer
**on target week.

Half Way There

towards achieving Week 1 of on target behavior.

My newly purchased ice cream maker gets some of the credit for this. I've long practiced the habit of a late night dessert. With my eating at night getting so out of control, I've considered drawing a curtain on this. Yet knowing that I'd be able to indulge in an evening dessert that I could make last a very long time helped me get to Goal the last time around. Unfortunately the dessert that satisfied me then no longer appeals to me. Now I've found a substitute in an ice cream that I make for myself. The calorie and point total is high, higher in fact than the awesome tasting Breyer's Light Ice Cream. So why make ice cream myself? Well, as good as Breyer's is, it doesn't last very long. It melts too fast. And, wonderful as it is, it doesn't completely satisfy my sweet tooth. Unless I have 2 or more cups of it.

My recipe: Make diet chocolate pudding, the kind that requires cooking, with 1% chocolate milk. Let it cool completely + chill it in the refrigerator. Process it in the ice cream maker. Put the ice cream into 1 cup containers and freeze. Approx. 200-230 calories per serving, or 4-5 points. It is incredibly rich, incredibly satisfying, and can be made to last for 40 or more minutes.

I'm really thinking that I will finally complete my first on target week in a very long time. This week will run from last Saturday through this Friday. The new one will begin this Sunday. I expect to be self indulgent on Saturday when I'll be one of the free spirited crazies participating in Santa Con, a bar crawl and parade consisting of Santas and other Christmas characters. When I participated several years ago our journey took us all over San Francisco. People took pictures and cheered and waved at us. At one point we were led into an alley where music played loudly. People were giving out beer and deep fried pigs in a blanket. It was quite a party. Later, we rode the elevators in a downtown mall. At night, we went on a merry-go-round. It was one of the happiest events I've experienced. This time I'll be bringing some very cool Christmas ornaments to hand out to random strangers. Maybe some chocolate bars for the homeless people we might encounter. Not for myself, though I have no plans to be self disciplined during Santa Con. I'll be bringing along some healthful snacks, but I plan to keep a good Jim Beam buzz going throughout the event.

And then it will be Sunday. This Santa may be a lush, but she has no illusions that she can get behind the wheel with Mr. Beam. A hotel stay is in order and thus, Sunday morning will begin with a challenge: the hotel's breakfast buffet. I've got to successfully meet this challenge. No matter what it takes.

And when I do, I will have begun Week 2 of on target behavior.

The Most Dangerous Place In The House

is on the family room couch!

The Carrot or the Stick

Right now, I think, I need the stick.

It was my conjecture as to how people view fat individuals that motivated me most when I got rid of the 65+ pounds. I imagined a triangle, the three sides of which represented the words Fat, Stupid, and Undisciplined. The triangle was a symbol that I'd encountered in a dream that foretold my weight loss. I believed that certain negative characteristics are sometimes associated with fatness. These included laziness, stupidity, and lack of discipline. This may be both unfair and untrue, yet there are people who make these judgements. I realized that I might be wrong about this and I realized that I might have been projecting on to others my own feelings about being overweight. In any case, the concept and its associated symbol was a poweful one for me.

Once I'd gotten to a more attractive weight, I added to my harsh perception an "If I can do it, so can you" attitude. I figured I was getting a well deserved lesson in humility when I saw the pounds pile back on. NowI weigh 189 pounds, just three pounds less than I when I began the weight loss journey on October, 22, 2002. I have been fighting the regain from the first few pounds of it. I went from getting rid of the first 50 or so pounds in a straight downward slide to a bit of a dance up and down until I'd reached 127 pounds. Since then, I've pogo sticked up and down to ever increasing weights. At one point last year, I managed to get from 185 to 164 pounds.

I've been posting a picture of myself at 127 pounds as a motivational tool. This may have been effective last year, but doesn't appear to be so now. As soon as I get a current picture of myself, I will replace the profile photo. It is time for me to acknowledge myself as the fat woman I've one again become. My fatness makes its initial impression on people. It carries with it all the stereotypes that judgemental people might make. Fat, stupid, and undisciplined again become motivating words.

How did I get on this rant? One of my blogger friends, Spider, wrote about his experience seeing a fat man in a scooter shopping in his November 30 post entitled "November Sweeps."
It was a very harsh post. He wrote a female version of the same post on December 2, this time with the title "Cruel to be Kind." It is indeed very cruel. It makes me feel like crying.

This morning I read an article in my local paper that dispassionately underscores the reality Spider addressed. It was a reprint of an article written by Damon Darlin in the New York Times. The headline was: "Those extra pounds can end up costing you." It referred to diminished health, shortened lives, lost opportunities, lower financial position, and lesser social status. As matter-of-fact as it was, it was also harsh.

I'm going to read and re-read Spider's posts and the New York Times article. I need to nourish the kind of motivation which fueled my success during the years of my 65+ pound weight loss. On a kinder note, I'll also be re-reading one of Kim's posts which I printed a while back. Unfortunatley I can no longer find it on his blog. In it, he wrote about the lifestyle changes that go along with getting rid of the weight. This is the carrot and it is important. I know that I experience myself as a more competant person when I am routinely self disciplined. I respect myself more. I am more alive. That is what I want. And what I expect.

The First and Last Two Hours

The first and last two hours of my waking day determine my success. Accumulating successful days and weeks turns healthful decisions into habit. This hasn't happened to me yet. I have not had the self discipline to make it happen. Earlier this week, I felt that I'd returned to that same certainty of success that brought me to 127 pounds in May 2003. Then, on Wednesday night, I snatched a few squares of bite-sized shredded wheat right before going to bed. This would be a non-event if I could have . . . if I WOULD have . . . regained my focus as I confronted a new day on Thursday. Instead, I moved through the morning knowing that I was vulnerable to a binge. I made bargains with myself that I'd report as successes if they'd worked. I can be so friggin clever when it comes tripping up myself. The truth is that I am a person who functions best with absolutes when it comes to food. Unless I have months of being "on track," I seem unable to moderately deviate from "The Plan."

So what to do becomes the question. If I continue on my current course, I will cross into 200 pound territory. I am 5'4". I've got to get back in control. For the most part, the eating plan under which I can lose weight is both easy and generous. For the most part, making exercise a part of my daily life is also easy. The hard part is those first and last two hours.

The morning challenge is to just friggin do it. This means to move beyond my laziness and inertia to DO THE THINGS THAT I KNOW WORK for me: mental focus, stretching and exercise, the morning shower FIRST.

The evening challenge is to STOP EATING. I need to set a time for this and adhere to it. If I can't remain awake without eating, I should go to bed. If I can't watch TV without eating, I should not watch TV.

Obvious stuff.

I need to do it.

I can not allow myself to think that it doesn't matter.

It matters.