Letting Loose The Restraints

Oh to be as brilliant and insightful as I am! What a wonder! What an empty wonder!
I'm having a tough time maintaining motivation. Tigerlilly suggested relaxation techniques to which I'll add meditation. I'll get in gear with that when I return from Austin. From now until Monday, I'm cutting loose the restrains. Hopefully the binge monkey won't get me. Someone once suggested that I kill the binge monkey. Since he's a part of me, I don't really want to do this. I'd like to tame him. Perhaps by allowing myself to eat and drink freely, he'll be satisfied. I need to become friends with my inner binge monkey.

Two Articles by Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz

In the last several days the perspective that I gained by reading about the research of Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz has allowed me to (1) blunt the intensity of a binge (Tuesday); (2) go one point above my point allotment without triggering a binge (Wednesday); and (3) avoid a binge after setting myself up for one today (Friday). Yesterday I was mind numbingly exhausted and mindlessly trudged through bingeland.

I was going to refrain from weighing myself until tomorrow, but sneaked a peek at the scale this morning. Seeing that I'd gotten rid of 3 pounds since my last weigh-in was also helpful in turning away from an imminent binge. As I approach the week-end, by biggest challenge continues to be fatigue. I feel like it is smothering me.

I have printed, but not yet read, two articles by Dr. Schwartz. The links to them follow:

The Use of Mindfulness in the Treatment of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz' Four Steps

Rewiring the Brain - Sharon Begley's Article

Yesterday, Sunday, was pretty much destined to be a mega mighty binge day. I didn't let that happen. My strength came from something that I read in the January 29th "Mind and Body Special Issue" of Time magazine. Later in this post, I will quote the two relevant paragraphs.

The reason for the binge destiny was the usual: I'd had some significant pain in my legs and a toe the night before and had taken three anti-histamines instead of my usual two to speed myself into sleepland. When morning came, I was still weighted down with sleepiness. I had some breakfast and returned to bed. I awoke no less tired than before. A vision of binge monkey food in the form of a bowl of cereal was playing in my head when I realized that I could have some lunch without going off track. Matt, sitting on the infamous FRC (Family Room Couch), was watching the playoffs. I made myself a favorite lunch time concoction: low fat maple yogurt mixed with frozen blueberries and topped with a measured amount of Trader Joes Frosted High Fiber Cereal. Matt put on his earphones while I enjoyed my lunch and read Time magazine.

The thing about the FRC is that whether I'm reading or watching TV, I want to be nibbling on something. I found myself contemplating that first "just"as I read Sharon Begley's article "How the Brain Rewires Itself." In it she wrote:

"In a series of experiments . . . Jeffrey Schwartz and colleagues at the University of California, Los Angeles, found that cognitive behavior therapy (CRT) can quiet activity in the circuit that underlies obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), just as drugs do. Schwartz had become intrigued with the therapeutic potential of mindfulness meditation, the Buddhist practice of observing one's inner experiences as if they were happening to someone else.

"When OCD patients were plagued by an obsessive thought, Schwartz instructed them to think, 'My brain is generating another obsessive thought. Don't I know it is just some garbage thrown up by a faulty circuit?' After 10 weeks of mindfulness-based therapy, 12 out of 18 patients improved significantly. Before-and-after brain scans showed that activity in the orbital frontal cortex, the core of the OCD circuit, had fallen dramatically and in exactly the way that drugs effective against OCD affect the brain. Schwartz called it 'self directed neuroplasticity,' concluding that 'the mind can change the brain.'"

So, as I pondered the short walk to pantry or fridge, I put distance between myself and the almost hypnotic urge to stick something in my mouth. "My brain is generating an alien thought. I don't really want to be eating anything right now," I told myself. This thought relaxed me. A couple of hours later, I decided to finish making the chocolate ice cream that I had started the day before. Each one cup serving has about 200 calories/4 points. Bowl and utensil licking do not count. I happened to glance at the microwave's clock: 2:37 p.m. I'd managed to delay a binge. With this delay, there was a good chance that I'd get through the day without a binge.

I keep forgetting how stealthily the urge to indulge in off-track food creeps up at me. At night, while watching The Apprentice and satisfied from both dinner and dessert, I wanted MORE. And I could have MORE I told myself. Just one cracker or one square of cereal. Just one . . . This is an alien thought I reminded myself. I took gum instead.

I'll be facing a major non-routine challenge the first four days of February when I go to Austin to party with some Burning Man friends. I've been intending to allow myself some latitude in what I eat and (most definitely) what I drink. I am now thinking that identifying binge urges as alien thoughts will help me to accumulate two weeks of on-track eating by the end of this month. Likewise, I can use similar thoughts to help me enjoy my Austin time without pigging out.

Maintaining Motivation

This will be a quick post after which I will go to the most dangerous place in my house, the infamous Family Room Couch, and continue reading one of my many favorite authors, Ivan Doig. My self discipline is unlikely to be tested since I'll be simultaneously indulging in a crisp Fuji apple. The book that I'm currently reading is the second in the McCaskill trilogy, Dancing at the Rascal Fair.

The last time I posted, I had chained together 3 on-track days. This was followed by two or three days of binging, the first of which began . . . as I was reading a novel on the FRC. In my last post, the part that BEB ate instead of published, I talked about how much I appreciate being able to spend the morning doing this. The thing that I didn't write was how much I enjoy filling my mouth as the images of the book fill my mind. My strenuous morning efforts had thus far kept me away from the wonders of pantry and fridge. I was not so successful later in the day.

My current challenge is maintaining my motivation. I sometimes come up empty when I think of the reasons why I shouldn't give in to the relatively benign urge that almost inevitably leads to a binge. At such a time, the reasons seem academic, unimportant. I actively want to have that first "just." An apple for which I have insufficient points is an example of this. Afterwards, I am still not satisfied. I have become insatiable.

Yesterday and so far today, I have been on track. I feel pretty sure that I'll remain on track through the evening and on to sleepland. Right now going off track doesn't even seem to be an option. If I never go off track again, I'll have validated my current feeling. Unfortunately feelings pass. Unfortunately I don't yet know how to maintain my motivation long enough to build a muscular habit of self discipline. I am hopeful that this is a lesson I will soon learn.

Later: I have just discovered that Bad Evil Blogger was neither bad nor evil. Silly oblivious Arlene mistakenly published the post in question, entitled Lazy Mornings, on my Matt Update blog. I'll rectify that now.

Lazy Mornings

This is the post that I thought Blogger ate. It was written on 1/15/07 before the post entitled Bad Evil Blogger.

I enjoy the lazy mornings that my life now allows, yet I've been feeling an internal pressure to charge into the day. This morning, as I sat reading the newpaper on the family room couch, yes That family room couch for those of you who've been reading this blog for awhile, I felt the blessing of this oportunity to appreciate life in the very slow lane. There was a time when I awoke at 5:40 a.m., rushed a morning shower, and breakfasted in the car as I drove the sluggish freeways to the junior high school where I taught. Now, when my lazy morning can be as long as I like, I've been feeling that internal pressure to seize the day so that I can "accomplish" more.

I've been reflecting recently on what it is that I should be accomplishing. Ben and Wendy's announcement that Wendy is pregnant has something to do with this. I expressed my early feelings about this to an on-line friend:

"Regarding becoming a grandma, this is something with which I don't yet identify. Nor do I want to. When I think about it, I get anxious about what lies ahead in the next 7 months or so. I find myself worried about a miscarriage. And after that, a good delivery. I don't think that I'm pessimistic by nature, but I don't want to "count" my grandchild before he/she is safely delivered. I don't want to allow myself to feel excited. I want to protect myself from the devasting feeling of loss if things don't go as planned. Beyond this, my feeling is that it is all so profound. As Matt and I left Ben and Wendy's house after our Christmas celebration there, I noticed the light shining from within the house. I had the sense of the play of life shifting from us to them, that if this were a theatrical production or a novel, the line of our story would become faint and the important action would be on their stage not ours. This was a good feeling, one that fills me with a sense of relief. I'm not saying that my life no longer matters or that it has no meaning. Rather, a sense of urgency of which I wasn't even previously aware seems to have passed, happily so. This is the first time that I've tried to put words to the feeling. Combined with this, perhaps inextricably, is the joy and reassurance that I have with the way Wendy is handling her pregnancy. She's been health conscious for as long as I've known her; now, like me when I was preggers, she's declining the wine. I know that she will do all that she can to properly nurture the life within her and that both she and Ben will be conscientous parents. I'm blessed by this."

And so, this morning as I sat with the paper, I allowed myself to complete the day's Sudoku. Now I'm lingering at the computer writing a post far longer than I'd intended. Earlier I'd considered whether to sign up for this session's Lifelong Learning series the first class of which begins tomorrow. I decided that I preferred my warm morning laziness to a rush into the cold of the day. (On the other hand, I'll brave the cold on Thursdays for my glass fusing workshop.)

After I finsh this post, which has gone in a direction that I hadn't intended when I began it, I'll shower, read a bit of a novel as I eat lunch, and then get on to the tasks of the day. Around 4 p.m. I'll turn on Oprah and watch the show as I do 43 minutes on my eliptical cross trainer.

I've been on track with my eating since Friday. At times this has been difficult for me. The realization that I am building a habit of disciplined eating has been my strongest motivation. Each day's success strengthens this motivation. I have also expanded my points' allocation from 25 to 27. By the time that I need to go lower, I'll be better able to do so.

Onwards now to seize what's left of the day.

BAD EVIL BLOGGER

BEB just ate a lengthy post and I don't want to take the time to reconstruct it.
Errrrrrrrrg. To cut to the bottom line: I've been on track for the last 3 days.
Knowing that I'm building a habit of disciplined eating has been my strongest motivation.
I've also expanded my daily points allocation from 25 to 27. I am pissed at BEB and will eat a box of Trader Joe's High Fiber Cereal to console myself. Not!!! BEB is BEB and I am strong.
Errrrrrrrrg!!!

Onwards Again

My highest recent weight was 189. It was 188.5 on Wednesday. I was merciless in my binge eating yesterday and will not get on the scale again unil January 27. I can at least exercize enough self discipline to do that. This reflects and underscores my belief that my ultimate success in getting rid of the regain is not about transitory numbers, but about disciplined behavior.

Why haven't I tamed the binge monkey yet? Why have I allowed him to roam freely devouring my oh so good intentions? Circumstances have disrupted my routine. My hubby has been in various levels of intense pain due to his gout and faces an uncertain future due to his Leukemia. Our country faces an uncertain future due to our current CEO. Iraq faces an even more uncertain future. The Arctic polar bears face possible extinction. I'm letting the binge monkey roam free because my species seems intent on making the world uninhabitable. The binge monkey ate my self discipline and the Devil made him do it. And my weight may already be 190, closing in on 200.

I have to get a grip on myself, already a difficulty but perhaps an impossibility if I let this continue. My routine will continue to be disrupted by both design and misfortune. The human species will continue to be human.

My current weight reflects my success as well as my failure in resisting some powerful temptations. These are some things that I have told myself along the way:

Build the habit of disciplined eating. Make it routine.
It tastes better and I feel healthier when I'm disciplined in my eating.
Delay is good.
It's all about me:
I want to get rid of the regain because of the way my bulk makes me feel.
I am in charge of getting the job done.
Make it a priority.
Stop the bullshit and stop eating too much!
Shut your damn mouth!

Yesterday I was mercilessly self destructive in my eating.
Today I will be kind to myself.
Today I will be alive to my life.

Later: Today's weight is 190. Next weigh in will be 1/27/2007.

One more thing: The new version of Blogger is registering most comments as anonymous, even when they'd been listed by name before I changed over. PLEASE note your name in your comment until this gets figured out.

January 2007

More Stuff To Do

The title says it. I'll get back to blogging + catching up on the blogs of my friends by the end of next week. I can't seem to get caught up with stuff I need to do. I really appreciate everyone's comments and that you're still coming back to my blog. I'm on track with my eating, but not finding the time to exercize. More later. I promise.