Difficult Days

If some of you who periodically check this blog have been thinking that I've probably been having some difficult days and weeks, you are right. I seem to have stumbled on a facet of compulsive eating that I hadn't experienced before. I've seen rolls in the refrigerator, for example, wanted one, then felt an increasingly strong drive to complete the link between desire and action. Even several hours later, I've felt a sense of anxiety that has persisted until I finally gave in. Then, having given in, I've slid into a binge that hasn't ended until I've been well past the point of uncomfortable satiation.

In the past three days, I've had some success in holding firm through the rush of anxiety. I've been reminding myself that the hardest part of getting on track is the first few days. Each failure makes the next attempt more difficult. Each success carries within it the seeds of more success. This has helped me. Even so, just a moment before writing this, I found myself thinking about the rolls in refrigerator. The temptation to turn thought into action was strong.

Stress, frustration, and disappointment enter into this. There is a local fawn rescue organization that has an uncertain future. We live in a neighborhood that is adjacent to a 5000 acre state park. This is and was the natural habitat of deer and other animals. As their habitat becomes more scarce, they find their ways onto streets and through fences. The deer, along with their fawn, are sometimes injured and sometimes killed. A fawn will not survive on its own without its mother. The fawn rescue group saves about 100 fawns a year. My hubby and I have been donating to it for many years.

The woman who founded fawn rescue, Marj, performs most of its necessary functions. She began the organization about 20 years ago and is now 86 years old. She has made herself available for fawn related work from early in the morning until about 10 p.m. at night, seven days a week, during the 6 or 7 months of "fawn season." She is hoping to find a replacement and is willing to pay someone for what she has been doing on a volunteer basis. The challenge is finding such a person and raising enough money to pay them. She's been having no success in her efforts. I was able to arrange a meeting which I also attended between Marj and my attorney who is a former fund raiser. This turned out to be unproductive. Another meeting as well as a phone conversation between Marj and people my attorney referred her to were also unproductive. The ideas that they recommended were ones Marj and her organization had already tried.

I spent several hours meeting with Marj individually two weeks ago and then on Wednesday with three other women trying to come up with a Plan B. Two of the women have been helping Marg for over five years. Nothing was accomplished in either of these meetings. I considered how I could help as a volunteer and had to admit to myself that I don't have the physical abilities to work with the fawns. "You have to be agile and quick," Marj told me. I also may lack the temperament and communication skills to be the phone contact for people under stress in an emergency situation. The phone contact person has to be willing to drop everything for a call that may come any time between 6:30 a.m. and 9:30 p.m. My limitations sadden me. Beyond that, I find myself still disturbed by the tone of Wednesday's meeting. The organization desperately needs more volunteers. Marj strongly acknowledges that. Yet, the related discussion was much like that about fund raising: Pretty much everything that was suggested has been already tried without success and what hasn't been tried is problematic for various other reasons. I'm ending up feeling a sense of emptiness and shame. I can offer nothing substantive to a worthy organization which may cease to exist when its very dedicated founder can no longer continue her work.

One thing that I recognized through this experience is that it had the potential of being a distraction from hubby Matt's battle with leukemia in its many guises. With that recognition came another one: I need something to get myself out of the house. Without that something, I too easily slide into lethargy. Thus I've decided to once again sign up for classes through the Lifelong Learning Institute conducted at a nearby university. This will energize me (even as I risk falling asleep in class).

With regard to my weight: During the last 5 days the morning scale has registered 191, 188, and this morning 186.5. With a weight of 190.5 on February 27, I've either gained a half pound or gotten rid of as many as 4 pounds. It doesn't really matter. Between binges and self discipline, I've basically held the line. It could be worse, far worse. In the last week, I've gotten back to taking walks and putting in time on the elliptical cross trainer. I've also put bread and rolls in the same category as rat poison and golf balls. They are non-foods. Similarly, I've put stiff constraints on my consumption of cereal. Finally, I'm training myself to drink more water.

It is 3:46 p.m. according to my computer. I am still on track for today. I'm hoping that the pull of self defeating behavior weakens in the days ahead. I know that I'm building the strength to resist it whenever I say "no." It's been very difficult these last few days. I need it to get easier.
Perhaps what I need, besides internal strength, is patience. It would be nice if forces outside myself cooperate as well.

Sunday Update: I remained on track Friday, got into a depression fueled carbo binge yesterday, and feel likely to remain on track today.

Tomorrow or the Next Day

I'm up to date with the paperwork. The preceding 8 days have been one of moderate to gross self indulgence. Today is the first day I've been on track. I'll write more and visit the blogs of my on-line friends before the week is up. Again, thanks for hanging in there with me and, especially thanks to Kim and Mick for your comments to my last mini-post. It means alot to me that you are still there.

Procrastination

I have a pile of papers in need of review on my desk that go back to summer. I'm going to finally deal with them. I will update my blog and read the blogs of my on-line friends only after I finish this much delayed task. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

The "Usual"

In a response to Mick's comment regarding my last post, I said that I was weaning myself off antihistamines as a sleep aid. My great experiment in unaided sleep has failed. Today, as yesterday, I am beyond tired. I know that I should probably consult my doctor about this (but am too tired to think about this right now). I'm also fairly certain that, despite my fatigue, I'll remain on track with my eating.

This was not the case last Sunday and, for the first time since starting my battle with the regain, I felt guilty about sliding into a binge. That was because just before the slide, I'd joyfully read the congratulations of my on-line friends for getting back on track after returning from my vacation. I'm happy to say that, as of Tuesday, my self discipline has returned. Telling myself the needed "No's" was easier than facing the prospect of writing about my self indulgence. Not posting was not an option.

The ground for a binge was fertile last Sunday because I was tired. However, as of lunch, I was on track. The lunch I prepared for myself was within my allocated points, but not my "usual' lunch. Dissatisfied with its taste, I allowed myself to have a cup of vanilla non-fat yogurt topped with applesauce. I still could have stayed on track, but I'd broken the framework of the day. Already vulnerable to a binge, I'd left the binge monkey uncontained. I was okay on Monday until dinner. I pushed myself into points poverty with a Trader Joe's baguette before dinner, then rebelled against the poverty by binging as the evening wore on. Such is the logic of the monkey within.

I do best with predictability. This is especially true when I'm tired and therefore more likely to give in to self indulgence. Monday's lunch was also not my usual lunch. It is not that there is anything inherently superior about my usual lunch. It's not even that I can't vary it from time to time. It's about the trackiness of the usual. If I'm finding my way back to being on track or am vulnerable to getting off track, the Usual acts as a comfortable and decisionless constraint. I simply take the track from usual meal to usual meal (and snack). In the process, I build up the self discipline which allows me greater freedom in my food choices and greater resolve even when I'm feeling tired.

For those of you who might be wondering, my usual breakfast consists of a Zen Bakery
Blueberry, Mango, Cranberry Bran muffin (available at Trader Joe's) and coffee with non-fat milk and stevia . My usual lunch consists of a cup of non-fat cottage cheese or TJ's Greek Style Nonfat Plain Yogurt mixed with two packets of stevia and 140 grams of frozen fruit and topped with 40 grams of TJ's High Fiber Frosted Multigrain Clusters. I allow myself up to 10 points for dinner with a dessert of yogurt mixed with (usually frozen) fruit. My dessert yogurt is usually non-fat and fruit flavored and sometimes low fat and organic.

Onwards now to slog through what's left of the day.

My Automatic Rejection Machine

I've been mind numbingly tired and HAVE remained on track with my eating. I think I've finally reached the point of habit, the point at which going off track requires a decision to do so. My days of self discipline line up to protect me against foolishly blundering into a binge. I'm not opening myself to decision making. When Matt asked me if I wanted some popcorn at the movies yesterday, my "no" was automatic. My automatic rejection machine is up and running. I'm too tired to write more. Eventually I've got to get back into doing some exercise. Note to self: Do at least 5 minutes on the elliptical even if only to stand still on it.