Integrity

I've been thinking a lot about integrity in relationship to my eating. Sometimes I actively chose to act without integrity in this area. I'm using the word integrity not only in terms of ethics, but also in the sense of being consistent within oneself. To the extent that I allow my behavior to deviate from my goals, values, knowledge, and intelligence, I lack integrity. This may not always be clear, but it certainly is when I allow a binge. Since deciding that I'd no longer be in a weight loss mode, my binges have been shorter and less intense. This is one of the paradoxes of my trying to get rid of the regain. Once I've stumbled, I've flung myself full force into the binge promising myself that I'd straighten up the following day. Since I'm no longer officially trying to get rid of the regain, I can flip things around by deferring gratification to the next day or the one after that. Also, since I'm not counting points, a morning lapse in judgment has little impact on the rest of the day. To some extent, I'm telling two lies here. I really expect sane eating without point counting to result in getting rid of the lbs. and I continue to defeat myself with binges. Clearly, I need to regain my sanity in relationship to food.

I've been looking at my attitude with regard to the challenges of my hubby's pain, symptoms, and leukemia diagnosis. I have come to regard each day that we have together as a blessing.
For now my life revolves around him and his needs. This too is a blessing.

An Announcement and a Response

First an announcement: My hubby, Matt, has become a citizen of the blogosphere. Check it out!

A Response: My on-line friend, Spider, has tagged me to come up with my 7 favorite albums. I'll plead ignorance on this because I don't think of the music I like in terms of albums. Also, I often like something without even being aware of the recording artist or the composer. Instead, I'll list 7 musical "likes" and an example of each: (1) classical music-Muzorsky's Pictures at an Exhibition (2) Country music (well known) - the song about working by the group Alabama (3) Country music (lesser known) Garnet Rogers (4) Movie music - currently The Lord of the Rings (5) Music from a play - Anthony Newly's "Stop the World I Want To Get Off" and "The Roar of the Greasepaint the Smell of the Crowd" (6) all of Elvis's slow stuff (7) My American Idol choice: Jordan Sparks. I won't be tagging anyone, but I'll be interested in listening to the choices other of Spider's friend have listed.

Hello Again

Thank you to everyone for your comments to my last post and especially to Kim, Spider, Suzy, and Graham for stopping by twice to see if I'd come back. Also, welcome to my blog Jeff. I appreciate your comments.

I'm having a difficult time staying true to my goals. Prior to this morning, I'd managed to keep it together enough to never get above 192 lbs., my starting weight when I began the journey to 127 lbs. at the end of October 2001. Today, at 193.5, I'm paying for yesterday's ridiculous binge.

Yesterday aside, I've decided that trying to get rid of the regain is not an appropriate goal for me right now. It almost inevitably sets me up for failure as I find myself dealing with the difficult challenge of my hubby's chronic pain and leukemia diagnosis. Taking care of myself, treating myself with care, seems to be a better approach. What that means may vary depending on the circumstances. It certainly doesn't include a mega calorie binge.

I've decided to no longer limit this blog to weight loss in its various forms. I briefly thought about sharing my Craigslist experience as the high point of my day. In the dullness of the morning, it became a singular moment of joy. Later, I looked up from my task of apportioning the pills and vitamins I'll be taking for the next couple of months. I was at the kitchen table, in front of a window that faces the beautiful valley below. I felt a profound sense of joy and this connected with a number of other things in my life that routinely bring such feelings. Cuddling my kitties comes to mind.

Still, I want to add color to this blog in the form of non-weight related experiences. I say this recognizing that everything that I experience is in some way related.

My Cragslist experience: Matt and I had tickets to the Sunday night Willie Nelson concert at a local venue. Matt is currently experiencing a significant osteoarthritic episode that will almost certainly make it impossible for us to attend the concert. I put an ad on Craigslist and quickly sold the tickets. This is the second time that I've tried Craiglist and the first time that I've done so successfully. Within a couple of hours a young man was at my door with cash. Of course, this is a bittersweet tale: a disappointment followed with a breath of relief.

We're also having to cancel a 7 day stay in a Monterey condominium. The woman from whom we rented the condo has told us that she has "no problem" refunding our money. (We prepaid for the week.) I'll feel better when we actually get the check.

Seeing experiences as colors, the two I've just described are in the dull gray category. My glass fusing efforts are among the brighter colors. I started doing glass fusing about two years ago. Much of the time my designs require some degree of exactness. My current project allows much more freedom. As some of you who've been reading this blog for awhile know, I love giving stuff away (ie. at Burning Man and Santa Con). Another experience is coming up during which I'm going to get to do this. Another woman and I plan to set up a display for Wildlife Fawn Rescue at our local street fair this summer. I'm making glass paperweights to give away to people who come up to our table. This may be a way to attract people to what we're doing. It also is something that allows me to be creative. I'm excited and feel joyful about this.

It is time now for me to start getting dinner together. Also to cut up carrots, which I love, for snacking. If I was counting points, I'd be limited in how many I can eat. Ditto with a watermelon I'll also be cutting up. I have strategies for "taking care of myself". Eating such foods without being concerned about there point's count is among them.

Onwards now to food preparation and later to the routine pleasure of watching trash TV with my hubby.