My cats, Daisy and Morris (Mousie), have absolutely nothing to do with this post, but I decided to start it off with their pictures anyway.
I've successfully dealt with some eating challenges in the last couple of days. When I joined my son for lunch in The City on Tuesday, I made an intelligent menu choice, an ahi tuna wrap served with slaw and gazpacho. A bread plate was brought to the table first. I had half a slice of bread, all the soup, some of the slaw, and half of the wrap. This is not the way I typically handle a restaurant meal. When the food is good, I usually eat it all. Instead, aware that I was full, I brought the leftovers home for dinner.
Yesterday, I worked the Fawn Rescue booth at the Downtown Market from about 3 p.m. to
9 p.m. (including set up and tear down time). At one point, I left the booth to stroll through the market. I purchased some organic strawberries and nectarines.
Moments later I passed a vender who was giving away chocolate chip cookies, the good kind that look homemade. I passed on by without stopping. The bigger challenge was yet to come.
I became annoyed with one of the other women who was working the booth. She interrupted and took over conversations that I was having with people who'd stopped at our booth. Our purpose was to educate them about Fawn Rescue and encourage them to use our services when needed. We were also hoping to attract volunteers and donors. The woman who hijacked my conversations was smoother and more self confident than I was. Still, a man to whom I'd been talking put his name down as a potential volunteer and a couple of women I'd talked to put money in our donation box. The man was only one of two people who signed their names to the volunteer list. I drew back when this woman took over the conversations. For one thing, her normal talking voice is a lot louder than mine. Apart from this behavior, I liked the woman and felt comfortable talking to her one on one. I considered letting her know how I was experiencing her behavior, but decided instead to bring the fruit I'd purchased earlier to my car. I called Matt, heard that his pain level had increased, and returned to the booth with a desire to get through the rest of my time there as best as I could. I felt inadequate and was glad when the woman left for a long errand so that I could talk to people without being interrupted. I drove home feeling emotionally drained and "not good enough."
I'm highly vulnerable to binging when I'm in this state. Other than a cup of pineapple cottage cheese I'd taken with me, I'd eaten nothing in my hours away from home. Once home, I baked two pieces of Trader Joes french toast and topped them with Greek yogurt and some of the strawberries I'd purchased at the Downtown Market. This was a filling, nutritious, and extremely tasty meal, but The Binge Monkey was unsatisfied. I had excellent reasons for going off course, he whispered to me, and made some suggestions. I opted for a Skinny Cow mint ice cream cone knowing that this was the beginning of being out of control.
Except somehow it wasn't. Somehow I was able to remember that stuffing my face would solve no problems.
I may have gone over the number of calories I should have consumed these past couple of days. One of the things I didn't mention was that I got out of bed at around 2.am. on Tuesday night to have a large bowl of cereal with milk. I've found that this helps me when I have difficulty falling asleep - though probably the milk alone would have the same result. But - and this is a very big and important "but" - I know that over all I'm making the kind of decisions that will result in my return to a healthier weight. I've been disciplined with food in situations and with emotions that have previously been the occasions for a binge. I'm reminding myself of the first time I got rid of weight when I was a child. I didn't count calories or points or put myself on a program. I made different decisions about food, avoiding the "bad" things and eating the "good." What I'm doing now feels like this to me. It may turn out that I need to return to a more structured approach, but for now I'm optimistic and encouraged by my recent decisions.
My son, Ben, with Wendy and baby Madeline
And right now, I don't care - even though I imagine that I'll care tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. Sometimes life really sucks bitter lemons.
been resisting this for a lot of truly excellent reasons, but I'm ready for a change. My aim will be to keep the calorie count under 1500 a day, but I'm not going to make that absolute. Rather, as Anderson Cooper of CNN might say, I'm "keeping (myself) honest" and forcing myself to stay conscious. I'll record the calorie count or admit to busting loose of all restraint. Hopefully the latter won't happen too often, if at all. Onwards to living my life with greater self control.
My cats, Daisy and Morris (Mousie), have absolutely nothing to do with this post, but I decided to start it off with their pictures anyway.
Moments later I passed a vender who was giving away chocolate chip cookies, the good kind that look homemade. I passed on by without stopping. The bigger challenge was yet to come.
