A Foolish Child

How wonderful to receive 13 comments.

Unfortunately I've been an unrestrained child since my last post.
This will change.
I will be back on track when I write again.

I Finally Got Rid of 3 Pounds

It took me getting to 200/201 pounds, but I've finally reversed direction. My yaaay is somewhat tempered by the gasoline price factor. A few days ago, as we drove past our usual station, Matt noticed that the price per gallon was less expensive than the previous week. "It's kind of funny," he observed, "but I my first thought was that the gas was cheap. Imagine thinking that gas is cheap at $2.84 a gallon." I realize that my on-line friends from across the pond may think that such a price is indeed cheap, but here in the U.S., we almost had another revolution when gas hit $3.00 a gallon. Also, when it hit $2.00 and $1.00 a gallon.

So now, at 197 pounds (and gas at $2.84 a gallon), I have a sense of accomplishment. And it is hard earned. This week's challenges were not so much seductive as habitual. Saying "no" to a slight temptation when you're used to an easy "yes" is difficult. Maintaining that denial is demanding.

I've made some changes that have made success easier for me. Rather than following any particular plan, my focus has been on making healthful decisions, something Christine has also been discussing in her blog. One that has been important for me is to have a measured amount of cereal with milk before I go to bed. I know that many people find that stopping eating after a certain time works better for them. I find that the cereal + milk helps me fall asleep easier. Knowing that I'll be having the cereal has also made it easier for me avoid a post dinner food rampage. I've put ice cream on the DANGER list and made fruit an unlimited indulgence for now. I've also been freer with my use of olive oil and natural grains such as rice. I don't know if I'll be able to get to 127 lbs. with the way I'm eating right now. After I'd achieved 127 lbs., I felt like I had to limit the number of apples that I'd consume at any one sitting. On more than one occasion, I felt that I'd overdone it when I ate two or three at a time. Being the entirely rational person that I am, I allowed my perceived gluttony to be the springboard for a mega-mighty binge. The Truth is: I may not be able to eat as many apples as I can, but I sure didn't get to 197 lbs. by eating apples.

In a recent post, Half-Man succinctly stated some ideas that I'd like to remember. I hope he doesn't mind my repeating them here:

"I try to avoid those situations in which I need will power."

"Living fit is my #1 job."

"I needed to eat like someone who respected himself."

"Since this is my lifestyle and not temporary program, there is not wagon
for me to fall off."

And to this I'll add one that I maintained when I made the journey from 192 lb. to 127 lb. (from October 22, 2001 to April 2003)

IF I DO THE PROGRAM, THE WEIGHT WILL TAKE CARE OF ITSELF

(or) If I make healthful decisions, the weight will take care of itself.
If I live fit, the weight will take care of itself.
If I eat like someone who respects herself, the weight will take care of itself.

Hanging In There and Getting Fatter By The Day

Except the fatter part if going to change - RIGHT NOW!!! and all the nows to follow.

Matt had the bladder cancer surgery on Wednesday. He came home within hours with a catheter strung up his dick. Ouch, except that he tells me it isn't as painful as it looks except when he has to pee. Yikes. Said catheter is due to be removed on Monday. Generally, Matt seems to be in somewhat less pain than the week before he was hospitalized. His spirits seem better too. Hopefully the time will soon come when the pain is minimal and he/we can enjoy life a bit. He's talking about wanting to rent a house/condo by the beach or taking off in the RV for a while. We haven't gotten the results of the bone marrow test or the CT Scans done in the hospital yet. His oncologist may have taken the week off. We could probably call his primary care doctor re. this, but, since we're dealing with the catheter etc., we don't feel all that inclined to pursue this. We'll be seeing, Dr. Freitus, the PCD, a week from Monday. If we haven't heard the results before then, we'll get them then.

I've been eating whatever the hell I want to eat. Not surprisingly, I have grandly bounced across the 200 lb. line. The scale has reached 201 on occasion. At times, many times, I just haven't cared about what I'm doing to my body. When fatigue gets added to this, the picture gets even messier. Except for possibly reaching 200 when I was preggers, I've never been this fat. I can feel the difference at this particular benchmark. Two hundred feels monumentally bulkier than 190. This surprises me. I know that I have a "good excuse" for mindless overeating. But I have to get a hold of myself. And, at least for today (at least so far) I am doing it. One day at a time or one moment at a time, I've got to make wiser decisions for myself. I am not an infant or an imbecile, but the way I've been dealing with food has been immature and idiotic. My intention, my sincere intention, is to be able to honestly write about successfully taking charge of my eating no matter what is or is not taking place with Matt's health. Matt needs me and I need myself to do a better job of taking care of myself.

Matt Update

Matt came home from the hospital yesterday, September 2. During his stay there, his pain was stabalized and he was given a multitude of tests. One of them revealed a bladder infection which will continue to be treated at home and which might have caused the intensification of his ongoing pain. The results of a bone marrow test and of a scanning of his brain and back will be available tomorrow.

Prior to this hospitalization, Matt was scheduled for a bladder cancer surgery on Wednesday, September 5. The urologist described this as an uncomplicated out-patient procedure. Tomorrow we'll be meeting with the urologist to evaluate whether the surgery should go ahead or be postponed. Matt will also be getting further lab tests. A visit with his primary care doctor is also scheduled the following week.

I don't know what lies ahead. Kaisar Permanente, our health care provider, arranged for a hospital bed to be delivered to our house along with a few other items. Matt slept there last night instead of on the family room couch as he has for the last many months. At its two ends, the couch reclines like a reclining chair and Matt has preferred to sleep there because of his back problems. I think the severe neck pain which emerged last Monday and eventually led to my decision to have him hospitalized may have been caused by his not being able to sleep in a horizontal position.

I don't think either of us are cheerful right now as we look towards the future. Actually, I think we are both exhausted, physically and emotionally. We both want this to be a bump in the road with which we deal and then move onwards. We don't want the road ahead to be made of the same material as the bump. Unfortunately, I don't think we get to have a say in this.

Again, thank you to those of you who are following this. Your concern means much to me.