Defeat For Now.

The title comes from one of Cactus Freek's blog labels. It unfortunately well describes the current state of my self discipline. There are some easy targets wherein I could put blame for my lack of fortitude. Matt's post-op situation following the first of his three spinal operations on Wednesday was more challenging than either of us expected. Now a new rib fracture is causing him constant pain. Matt, therefore, is responsible for my maladaptive behavior. Except that I know better. If I had been disciplined enough and smart enough to build a sufficient history of self discipline beforehand, it would have carried me through the stress of Matt's pre and post operation pains. "Smart enough" really does enter into this. When I choose to take the easiest path in giving into a slight temptation, I put my brain on hold. I lock it in a well insulated box which I put in another box and another box after that. And then I forget where I've hidden the boxes.

With Thanksgorging four days away, I don't see myself becoming self disciplined in the next few days. But why not!!! Even if I'm planning to allow myself to be self indulgent on T-giving, why do I have to compound the damages in the days before the holiday? Even with my brain still in storage, this makes no sense. Okay. There will be some pre-Thanksgiving temptations. Grocery store samples come to mind. But why can't I allow myself the samples without going calorie insane? Because I'm helpless against my own compulsivity; Once I've loosened the restraints, I am programmed to stuff myself to and beyond the point of pain. Even before these self destructive urges have hit me, I've given in to their power to overwhelm my better instincts. If this was war, and it is in a sense, I've declared defeat before even entering into battle.

What I've described as my thinking processes with regard to food makes no sense to me. A change is in order and with it a new approach. Yesterday (or the day before), I received my most recent order from Amazon.com:
Medicine Cards: The Discovery of Power Through the Ways of Animals by Jamie Sams, David Carson, and Angela C. Werne. I think that I will select a card tomorrow and use it as a guide to make better decisions about the food I eat. Perhaps the power of the animals, whether as an archetype, metaphor, or something else, will help me to regain my sanity.

Happy Thanksgorging everyone.

May the day be a good one for you whether you celebrate the holiday or not.

Just Checking In

I haven't fallen off the planet, but also haven't been motivated to write for a while. I've been gorging myself on novels, one after another. Currently I'm immersed in The Great Stink by Clare Clark (if I've got the name right). The next couple of months will be somewhat chaotic. Matt has four outpatient surgeries scheduled, three of which will require hotel stays in Berkeley. The (eating) holidays are soon approaching. Amidst the chaos and inevitable temptations, my health goal is to maintain my weight, 196 lbs. as of this morning. I hope to catch up with reading the blogs of my on-line friends in the next couple of days and, if not by then, at least by the end of next week-end. Onwards now to cuddle up in bed with The Great Stink, an excellent book which I heartally recommend. It is the author's first novel and I'm already looking forward to her next one.

Paint It Black (for now)

I'm going through a bit of a rough spot right now. My Fall depression has hit me with a whallop. Sometimes it's worse than others. Sometimes I've passed through Fall with little wear and tear. It started on Monday. Matt and I had seen Cold Case the night before. The story line began with a murder at a high school reunion. I found myself involuntarily thinking about high school on Monday. It was a painful period in my life and, at most levels, I've gotten way way passed it. But, it's November. Old hurts become magnified. And in November all previous hurts come to the surface. My failures. My lack of achievements. Never mind that most of the time I look at my life with a great deal of satisfaction about how things turned out. It's not even a thought thing, this Autumn depression of mine. Even with my mind free of all thoughts, I feel this sense of heaviness. Also a sense that vinegar runs through my blood. I've got to find the time to get on the elliptical and start pumping up those endorphins. When the depression hits me like this, all I want to do is crawl in a soft, warm cave (and eat cereal).